Monday, October 15, 2018

I Survived... Barely.

Y'all. Do you need more excitement in your life? Do you daydream about doing crazy shit where the probability of lost limbs is high? Do you want a real life version of the Hunger Games? Yeah? Cool, I'm going to tell you how to get that excitement. Ready? 


Holy shit, y'all. As a bad ass, stay-at-home mama, I don't get much time alone. I mean, I do get to take trips to the grocery store by myself... and that place is like a freaking lion's den. Listen, if there is only one can of green beans left and those bad boys are on sale, you better watch the grandmas-- they can be brutal. But you know who is worse than grandmas getting a good deal on canned goods? Nerds. Nerds at a book sale. 

Here in Columbus, we have a fantastic library system.  Twice a year they have a Friends of the Library book sale. The first day of the sale the prices are reasonable (think $2 for a hard cover book, $1 for paperback). But that last day... the last day is something from the book gods. The last day they have $5 a bag sale. You can buy a small tote or you can bring your own bags and however many books you can fit in that bag will cost you $5. OH MY GOOD GOD. 

Now listen, I have been a nerd since birth. I consider my library card one of my most prized possessions. Give me a sleeping toddler, cold weather, a heavy blanket and a great book any day. E-books have been a God send since Baby K arrived-- I can read without turning on a light!   Reading is a form of therapy for me, I suppose. The words transport me to far away lands, and someone else's problems. (I mean, c'mon, who couldn't use a getaway now-a-days with all the craziness going on in our country right now?) Even with all my reading experience, I could read ONE MILLION books about martial arts and I STILL would not be ready for the chaos that is a book sale in its final hours. Baby. These people were not playing. 

Y'all, I tried to swoop in and peace out but I got caught up in a sea of humanity. There were crying babies, screaming toddlers, angsty teens, non-attentive parents and some overly aggressive elderly folks. {Lady, I swear I was not trying to reach in and get that last book on crocheting for the holidays, you could have kept the look.} Honestly. Yo, it was bat shit crazy in that auditorium. I didn't think I was going to make it out of there with all my fingers. These folks were serious about their reading material. I snaked my way through the nuthouse in a little less than an hour. I think I earned some credits towards my ninja degree. Your girl was quick on her feet! {Move out of the way, Dakota... that book is MINE!} Now listen: I have never been good at math, but when I tell you that I took FORTY books of various sizes and slipped and tucked those bitches in TWO bags. Y'all... two bags, 40 books, $10.75. TEN DOLLARS and 75 cents. I am a fucking genius. Decision made: I'll see all those assholes on the last day of the Spring sale too!   

Happy reading! 

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