Wednesday, August 21, 2019

The Long Way Home

I took the long way home on Sunday. It was a beautiful day in central Ohio, hot but not not hell-like. Eighty-seven degrees with a wonderful breeze; the sun helping my skin to darken to a deep cappuccino color. After weeks of being part of a duo (with Baby K) twenty-four/seven, I finally escaped the house... ALONE. By myself. I barely knew what to do! Even though I was by myself, I still had shit to do... so I clipped some digital coupons and went to the grocery store. (I'm fancy like that).

I jumped in hubs' car, backed out of the garage and drove away from the brick and buttercup colored fortress that I had been holed up in for the last few weeks. Our house is comfortable, very comfortable, but I was happy to see it in the rear view mirror! After weeks of being in a chilly air conditioned house, I rolled down the windows and let the breeze blow through my hair. Best thing about hubs' car? Satellite radio with a 90s channel. A 90s music channel, y'all.

Now, I don't really know what happened on my ride. Now-a-days getting alone time is a high. I remember that my hand was out the window, making peaks and valleys as the wind blew it up and down; my music was loud and during my singalong I did NOT use my inside voice. At one point 3AM by Matchbox 20 was on and there is NO WAY y'all could convince me that I was not matching Rob Thomas in vocals and intensity. Listen... that crosswalk has never seen anyone like me before. Hold on- I just started humming that song again.

When I tell you that I am the QUEEN of 90s music, I mean it. My high school and college years were filled to the brim with fantastically angsty tunes, now categorized as "classics." I too am a classic. I know all their words, all the beats, all the ad libs. I will school folks who ride shotgun. I feel no shame. Ever. My car concerts can only be described as... EPIC, one of a kind, showstopping, (sometimes) better than the original (not to toot my own horn or anything). I'm quite good, especially with the music of my teenaged years). Cue that Tonic song "If you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you would understand." YES!! I needed that time away-- and I needed those tunes. I needed to be reminded of yesterdays.

If I am being honest, this year has been trying. I have been so busy volunteering, mom-ing and wife-ing that I have been dragged away from being me. I have been lax with the things that relax me- reading, writing and acting a fool. I have just been all over the place, pulled in a million different directions and you know what? Sometimes life is just like that. Little Lady K is growing, prospering and being kind, hubs has new work shit to talk about, but me? I have been experiencing Groundhog Day in different outfits. My days look the same, my nights are long because someone is rejecting a sleep schedule (in the name of Jesus). But this has to stop. I need to get back to being well rounded. I need books. I need this blog as an outlet. So, I have decided to get back on my shit. Less Facebook... more writing. I took the long way, but here I am. Home.

Friday, March 22, 2019

Absence Makes the Ass Grow... Fatter?

Ok. It has been a couple months... I think I can finally talk about this. I think Spring is going to be my season, so I can talk about what happened to me during Winter. I only have one request... please be gentle with me. After what happened, I am in a very vulnerable place. Ok-- here we go:

Y'all, I have been traumatized. I should have known better than to leave the house. It was as if there was a shit filled cloud floating over me at the beginning of 2019. First, Baby K got sick- and that is a WHOLE thing. She isn't very sickly, so when she does actually catch a cold, the clingy level in this house goes to 100. And now that she can talk, she is like expert level guilt tripper-- but that is another story for another day. Baby K got sick the first week of January. I had been stuck in the house for so long that I was forgetting what outside looked like, so I talked to Lefty and while Baby K was asleep I took my happy hips to the grocery store. Some time away, just what I needed, right? uh... y'all know better than that. Let the shit show begin.

First, I took Lefty's car-- just in case there was a need to run to the doctor or the house caught on fire. Plus, who wants to move a toddler seat over and over again? It was weird, because I have a small SUV and Lefty drives a smaller sedan, so it felt like I was riding on the ground in this car. Made it to the store without incident, did some damage at Meijer-- they take ALL my money. I didn't even have to hit anyone with my cart (on this particular trip). Magical, right? So I head outside to pack my newly purchased groceries in the car and go back home to a sick kid.

Two things need to be mentioned here: 1. I halfway forgot that I drove Lefty's car. Here I was out in the parking lot looking for my tall Honda Element, when I suddenly remembered that I should be looking for a Nissan Sentra. Sigh. 2. If you are not familiar with central Ohio winter weather, let me give you some insight- it is fucking cold. There may not be snow, but trust me, you WILL freeze your tits off. So even a short search in a parking lot will lead the nicest person to scream profanities-- and I am not nice-- so now you know what my state of mind was when I finally reached Lefty's car.

I unlock the trunk, put in the heavy bags and head to the unlock the door (so I can turn on the car and the heat) before loading the rest of my shit. Put the key in the lock and... nothing. NOT A DAMN THING. Door did not unlock. So I head over to the passenger side... nope, there is not a lock on the passenger side and I (stable genius that I can be) left the little clicker at home. Piece of shit. So I am outside, freezing my fat ass off, unable to get in the car. So, what do I do? Call my partner in crime to a. complain about his shitty car (that used to be MY car, so you think I would know better) and b. to cry (without tears because... cold).

What did Lefty do? Laugh. And I am not talking a small chuckle. I am telling you, my situation tickled his WHOLE soul. As I am complaining about this unfortunate turn of events I remember that the trunk is open and I can get into the cabin of the car... through the trunk. Oh shit, y'all. I pull the little levers that unlock the back seat, move the heavy groceries to the side... and prepare to get in the trunk like some super agent spy. Let's keep in mind-- I am multitasking like a fucking BOSS because I am still on the phone with Lefty. I do a quick look around, to make sure that 1. no one will steal my groceries that are still in the cart next to the car and 2. no one is recording my ass getting into the trunk of this car. I am not ready for that YouTube fame just yet. I don't see anyone, so I do what can only be described as a mermaid dive into Lefty's trunk and proceeded to slither my fat ass from the trunk into the back seat. Breathing heavily, I was able to press the door (un)lock button, climb out the back seat, load the rest of the groceries AND THEN... I could not find the car key. Y'all.

The key was on the floor in the backseat. It had fallen out of my pocket after I unlocked all the doors. I loaded the groceries in the trunk, put my cart away, beat it home and didn't leave the house for another week because fuck that, I don't need that kind of life changing negativity in my life. I am still traumatized... I don't even want to ride in Lefty's car. That bitch is like Christine. I am convinced she is trying to kill me. May Spring bring me some good mojo because I need it after that. Good mojo and an updated cardio regime because I was out of breath until I was almost halfway home. Wooooo, mercy.

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