Grief, Part I

 

Low Battery

 Today I got a notification on my phone that reminded me that my Fitbit battery is low. If that ain't a reflection of life since March 2020, I don't know what is. Uh, my every day life battery is low. And listen, my every day situation looks very different than most folks- I'll be the first to admit that- but it is still exhausting. There are days, like today, where I spend the day doing task after task... no end in sight. That will be every day for the foreseeable future, so I guess I should just get ready for the rest of the year to just be checking shit off a mile long to-do list. Deep breath. I'm going to need a massage package. 

Birthday Shenanigans

 Today at 6:03pm, I celebrated 45 years of living. I remember when I thought that forty five was so old... because I thought that very thing last week. Life is so surreal sometimes. I can close my eyes and see myself in high school and college, only to open my eyes and see my daughter and husband. I swear it seems like yesterday I was graduating from college with the body of a track runner and now here I am,  mid forties with a mom body and an extensive collection of leggings. 

To say that my life is not what I imagined at the age of 22 is the understatement of this century, but there is still a certain joy in living a life that was unimaginable to you a couple of decades ago. It isn't ALWAYS bad to not follow the path you have laid out in your mind. All the twists and turns, elations and disappointments, failure and triumphs have led me here. And HERE is kinda cool. Happy Birthday to me. To celebrate here is the song that was number one on the charts a few weeks after I was born (and who doesn't love some Bee Gees?)

Soulful Saturday - Day Well Spent

You know what? Sometimes you need some time with friends to really remember what is important in this life. I'm not talking about acquaintances-- I am talking about friends who know your secrets and still love you; friends that will tell you "uh, you know you are wrong for that" when you need to hear it; friends that call your parents mom and dad; friends that love your baby like she is their baby. 

Sometimes your mind needs you to be in close proximity to folks who just GET YOU. So you don't feel like you are losing yourself in fear, or guilt, or any other emotion that is presently all encompassing. Sometimes only close friends can bring a smile to your face and help you forget- even for a short time- that life can be grating. 

These last 16 months or so has been an especially horrid time for most of us. We have lived through some awful shit (and some of us haven't made it through). We have seen each other on Zoom, at the grocery store scrounging for the last fruits and vegetables, at funerals and masked up from six feet away. We have been cocooned in our homes, away from some of our loved ones. Since I got vaccinated I have been able to see a few friends, in very controlled situations. I am glad to say that today I was able to meet up with some buddies of mine, in a park, and really just kick it. Don't get me wrong, we have a text thread that is well used, because they don't live here, but it was just so nice to see their faces. The weather cooperated (mostly) and we were able to just shoot the shit, gossip and laugh. Me? I got to pet ALL the dogs and run from ducks and geese... and escape my house for a few hours. Can only be described as pure joy. Pure joy. 

As For Me and My House...

It has been a while! Last year I was telling y'all how fucked up my high school was and how I was permanently putting them on the "pay them no mind" list and now... we have a worldwide pandemic on our hands. 2020 has been a ride of clusterfuckery (is that a word? Did I just make up a new word? Y'all check Urban Dictionary and add my shit... and give me credit! Ha!) All that to say, a lot has changed in the last four months. Today marks my family's 21st day of lockdown. Twenty one long ass days, yo! Last day of school for Little Lady K was March 12, hubs has been going to his doctor appointments and we have been getting groceries about once a week. That's it. Your girl is taking lots of deep breaths and drinking more, if I'm being honest. Central Ohio weather hasn't really been cooperating, either. Having a three year old in the house ALL day is... challenging. I'll save those stories for the mommy blog but y'all will NOT guilt me over extended screen time, ok. Don't try me, bitches. But, as for me and MY house... we will remain on lockdown until further notice.

It is getting close to 2PM. In a few minutes my Governor, Mike DeWine is going to have his daily news conference about Ohio's pandemic numbers. He is also going to talk about (and probably prohibit) Church gatherings for the foreseeable future. Now listen, I am always the first to laugh and joke and call myself a heathen on these internet streets. I call myself a heathen in front of my parents (mostly because they know, like nobody else, that it is true), but the truth of the matter is: me and Jesus have a relationship. We go together. He knows my heart. We talk. I grew up in the Church; was a Deacon's kid; got baptized and led our Bible trivia team to victory several years (in a row). I know the Word. I just cuss a little bit. Ok... a lot. I cuss a lot.

Back to DeWine (this lockdown makes my mind wander). So, it is my understanding that churches have seen what is going on during this worldwide pandemic and have been like... "Jesus saves; God will protect; y'all better be in these pews on Sunday." Sir. Ma'am. WHAT?!? Now listen: as noted above, I have been to church. A LOT. Fellowship is important. It helps you navigate this thing called life, BUT... ain't no way y'all should be gathering together on Sundays and breathing on one another. What is wrong with y'all? The state of Ohio isn't letting us have funerals or gatherings of more than 10 people and y'all trying to come together for full services on Sundays? You know what is more important than being around people you not so secretly talk about every day EXCEPT Sunday? Breathing.

Jesus gave us all discernment. He gave some of us wisdom. He gave most of us this thing called the internet. The only way churches should be getting together for services is over a lifestream. Stop endangering your parishioners. Stop being stupid and blaming it on God. Use some common sense and stay at home.

I've Packed Up My Unicorns

More than a couple Unicorns have asked me why I have stepped away from the place that connects us. It is true that my involvement with our common institution came to an abrupt halt at the end of June. After five years of active participation and one year as the face/email signature of our alumnae association, ladies have hit me up to see why they don’t hear from me anymore and why they don’t see me at events. Woo- there is SO much. I have come to the point where I am rational enough to properly convey what happened without using my signature “colorful” language. I wasn’t sure that I would ever post this or publicly say anything about what happened because, generally, people are taught to move on from bad situations and say nothing. However, yesterday, one of my attorney buddies on Twitter pointed out that folks are “used to getting away with rude stuff because people are taught to be polite and not call things out. Bullshit to that.” Bullshit, indeed.

This establishment that we share, this Columbus institution, was built on the idea that empowering girls will help them find their way as learners and leaders. I discovered my potential as a leader well before I was in the safe confines of our small college preparatory society. Being a leader has never been an issue for me. My leadership style is simple: I, transparently, do what is best for the greater good. I do it without bullshit. I’ll tell you if we can swing something, or if it needs to wait. If I disagree with a proposal, I will let you know; and if you tell me something in confidence, that is where it will stay. I am a vault.

So, that is what you get from me, transparent, no nonsense leadership AND I am, and always will be, fiercely loyal. If I rock with you, and you need me, there is no doubt that I will do whatever I can. I mean, if we make it to be friends, you damn near have to spit in my face for me not to fuck with you anymore. But once you cross the line, our level of trust will never go back to 100%. I said all that to say: four months ago, the place where we spent our formative years, where we grew up together… spit in my face. Now listen: more than one thing happened, please know that, but the absolute end of my patience? I was unceremoniously and unjustly left out of a huge decision that I most certainly should have been involved in. The person that would eventually take my place purposely worked around me, created an environment where she could be in charge and never, not once, apologized or took responsibility (and I am sure that she will never). Then she had the audacity to “thank me for my service” in a newsletter. Y’all. And the administration at our shared institution… did nothing. Ladies who told me their issues with the woman in question kept quiet because they didn’t want to rock the boat and folks just moved on like it was just another day.

Now listen: While I may deliver my words in a very straightforward way, I don’t do mean girl shit. I do not believe that women have to be pit against one another for one to rise to the top. I think that women who have to do sneaky shit to meet their personal goals are pathetic. I firmly believe that there is enough shine for everyone to have some, and it may just be the law school in me, but I also think that folks should be able to talk shit out. Not completely out of line thinking for an all girls school, right? A place that is supposed to foster the spirit of young women should be a safe place, right?

So that is why you haven’t seen me around, or sharing their events on Facebook. You will not see me at any events in the near future either. What happened to me was… unprofessional, inexcusable, unkind and, perhaps most importantly, undeserved. So, I have packed up my collection of unicorns (along with some wonderful memories AND the thought of my daughter following in my footsteps in those halls) and put them in the back of the closet. The WAY BACK. No telling if or when they will ever make another appearance.

My Own Private Idaho

I am sure that the majority of people who still read my blog remember the movie "My Own Private Idaho." It was one of the last movies that dreamy looking River Phoenix starred in before his untimely death. The title of the movie has often been used to describe ongoing craziness/self discovery in one's life. For example, you meet up with a girlfriend for brunch, she tells you all about corporate life, her rise and grind, the fantastically expensive vacation she finally went on. Then she asks you how things are going with you and your response? "Girl, I am having my Own Private Idaho over here." For me, that description does not mean that life is good or bad. It means that I am surviving, rolling with the punches... shit, it means I am making it (even if I am BARELY making it). 

So, that is what has been going on over here-- I have been having my Own Private Idaho. I have been surviving. We are (kinda) making it through toddlerhood-- I will be posting more about that slice of crazy on my mommy blog. We got a new puppy, because I clearly am a glutton for punishment. I (mentally) celebrated the anniversary of my sixth year back in Ohio. Most of life has been good. And then some of it, has been awful. Just today I found out that one of my girlfriends in Chicago passed away. Just today. And while I am making it through my tasks for the day, I am utterly heartbroken. She was a good chick-- in a world where folks generally don't care about one another. She was quick with a smile, a good word, a night of dancing invite. And now cancer has taken her away from this world. From diagnosis to death was quick and trust me, we all got cheated. I will miss her, our conversations and our laughs. 

Life is... hard. At times, it is so happy-- like when my kid sings You Are My Sunshine back to me. And dammit, at times, it is devastatingly sad-- like when cancer steals people that you love, like a thief in the night. In the last three years I have lost a friend in her 30s, a friend in her 40s and a friend in her 50s. After each loss, my heart is a little less full. In between these two extremes- these polar opposites- there is the every day. The nap time battles, the potty training (baby and puppy), the making a dinner everyone will eat, the personal growth... the setbacks. Will you make it to the gym or will you be chunky forever? Will you ever have a normal social life again? Will you get that new job? That raise? A date with that hottie you saw at the grocery store? Shit, will you ever have ten minutes to update your blog-- to document this crazy thing called life? Life. The good, the bad, the in between. Our Own Private Idaho.  

Manic Monday - Insomnia Strikes

Dammit, I cannot sleep. In fact, if there were an Olympic competition in NON-sleep, I could win. I mean, never in my life have I had such a shitty relationship with sleep-- not even the three years of hell known as law school. 

Generally, when I suffer from bouts of insomnia there is a reason. Watching too much news coverage is usually it... but I have been off back to back coverage of tragedies for a while. Seriously, I stopped that nonsense like three tragedies ago... my mind just couldn't take it. So, too much news isn't it... this time. 

For the last 18 months I have had a little human to watch, which messed with my shut eye. Ok, to be fair I didn't sleep well when I was heavily pregnant, so let's say for the last 20/21 months. But here I am, watching her little crazy ass sleep, so she isn't the reason that I am awake tonight. ALTHOUGH, her sleep schedule leaves a bit to be desired, if I am honest. But tonight, tonight is on me.

So, while I am sitting here calculating how much sleep I could realistically get before I have to take Baby K to her doctor appointment, my mind is all over the place. I just had an hour long argument with myself about what team I would cheer for if I wasn't an Ohio State fan. Just in case you are wondering: I would still be a huge Big 10 fan, because hello I am as Midwest as Midwest gets; AND there would be a tie as far as teams go. If I was NOT a Buckeye for Life I would either cheer for Northwestern (because their team colors are my favorite, also Academics are phenomenal) or Michigan State (spent extended time in East Lansing plus any team that beats that team in Ann Arbor is worthy of my praise). Penn State would come in a close third. If I were a traitor to the conference all together I would cheer for my alma mater, Miami University. If you only knew how much thought went into those decisions you would be shaking you head at me. I know it. 

Maybe it is because the holidays are coming up? We will see tons of family which is nice and also stressful as hell. Maybe it is because we have a family trip coming up? Maybe it is because it is November 6 and only half of my fall decorations are up? Thank you cards not mailed? Pictures not sent to family? Trying to get a business off the ground? Or it could be because your girl turned 40 a week and a half ago. Whatever it is, I need to get over it because I cannot sustain this wondrous personality with coffee and 4 hours of sleep a night. Get it together, girl! Sweet baby Jesus be a sleeping pill. 

I Have a Serious Problem

My book addiction has gotten out of control. Honestly, it is a problem. I have books that I purchased the first week they came out and I have yet to pick up. At last count I have 150 books around the house that I have been meaning to get to. Add to that the 148 on my e-books wish list on the Columbus Library website and the 200 on my "want to read" list on Goodreads and you can see that this is completely out of control. I even have 30 books that I have started to read and have not finished. They are just on my Goodreads list... staring at me, shaking their heads in disappointment.

Now that it is officially autumn (AKA the season of cuddle up with a hot drink and a book) I have decided to read these books and clear off some shelves. Really what that means is that I am not going to buy anymore books until I read the ones I have. I can read the books I have on my shelves and sell them to our favorite used bookstore, or give them to the library and then I can ramp up my supply again. 

I am going to use this opportunity to clear out some clutter AND make better use of Goodreads. At the beginning of every new year I sign up for a book challenge on Goodreads and every year, I fail. For 2017 I pledged 60 books. I'm holding strong at 7 (just finished one!) Seven. Y'all. And Ok, those seven books don't include the books that I read to my daughter, but really, I have got to be better about carving out some time for doing the things that I love and I love to read. There are series that I have not ever wanted to read (Twilight, Harry Potter), there are genres that I have left largely unexplored (Young Adult and Sci Fi); and there are genres that I will probably continue to avoid (romance). No matter. I need to continue to expand my mind and serve as an example to my kid, so I have to make time for (my) reading. 

I have just figured out how to create a book club on Goodreads, so I think that I am going to reach out to a few of my girlfriends and see if they would be interested in having a few discussions as I wade through this ever growing list of books. If we decide to make a book club, I will definitely let you all know, until then feel free to friend me on Goodreads and hold me accountable for getting my reading life together. You can also see what I am reading on Instagram (@hotblackbitterreads). I will post a pic of the book cover so you know what I am reading. Nerd on, loves. Nerd on. 

Manic Monday - Change is Coming

I am on the cusp of being an adult. Ok, I know I'm married and have a kid, but honestly, in two months and four days I will be a for real grown up. I'm turning 40. With this new age bracket sprinting toward me, I am trying to do a few things differently. TRYING. 

My baby is starting to become a little walking bullhorn, so I am attempting to limit the time I call people out of their names in front of her. That's right, no more calling y'all's grandmas "rude bitches" when they cut me off in the grocery store aisle. I will also stop mumbling about ripping all those bobby pins out of their ice blue wigs if one more of them ask if I am my child's nanny. Yep, you're welcome. 

I'm trying to be a better person so I keep trying to let shit go. Like, when our basement flooded last month, I took a few deep breaths and built a bridge over all those shitty feelings I was having. Why? Because life is too short to sweat the small stuff... or some other cliche shit like that. Listen, I'm trying to be better because I am about to be old, my baby repeats all the inappropriate shit I say at a very high volume, I don't want to raise an asshole, I would NOT do well in jail AND I want to save all my real venom for when I am super old and no one can attempt to correct my bad behavior. 

All three of us were lounging on Sunday morning. Hubs and I were discussing politics, Baby K was running from room to room with nothing but a diaper and a smile on. The animals were hiding from her. Fun times. All of a sudden, this video popped up on my timeline. I immediately started to show my age by 1. knowing all the words, 2. naming all the people singing and 3. knowing who in the video was still alive. What can I say? This is a house full of delightfully corny people, led by yours truly. This song can be applied to SO many things going on in the world and the US right now. By the end of the song I was taking the words to heart (and seriously considering stealing Cyndi Lauper's hair color). Turning over a new leaf starts at home. With you and me. And 1980s icons. 

Happy Monday, y'all. Change is coming. 

Soulful Saturday - Rene and Angela

Ah, it has been so long. I have no issue in saying that since April 21, 2016 I haven't really been feeling like posting music. It is hard to see your idols pass away. Y'all remember that song "American Pie" by Don McLean? Truly, that cold day in April was the day the music died a bit for me. I was not even a week out of the hospital after having my daughter and the news of Prince's passing was soul crushing. Soul.Crushing. You know why? Because I often use music to get through shit. Rough times, happy times, death, birth, school... life. We all have a life soundtrack... and Prince is in heavy rotation in my soundtrack. So after thinking about it and taking a considerable amount of time off from my Soulful Saturday gig, I am back... because somebody might need a few songs for their life soundtrack.

So for today: Rene and Angela. Dynamic Duo of 80s greatness! Big hair, a Jheri Curl and soulful lyrics-- what's not to love? Their videos are everything that the 80s represent-- shoulder pads, glitter electronic sound, makeup applied with a heavy hand. Their songs have been sampled... so you have heard parts of these songs before. Some songs have been remade by a couple of R&B singers-- y'all already know that I love originals. Rene and Angela definitely had some bangers... here are some songs for your life soundtrack. Let's get after it! 

My First Love

**A tarnished ring, on a tarnished chain** That high note... Get it, Angela!!



You Don't Have To Cry

Also known as the original Ride or Die Anthem. This love song is serious, y'all hear me-- and the rain in the background? Killing it.

 

I'll Be Good

This song was heavily sampled in the 90s. The original is an 80s classic.

An Officer, Certainly No Gentleman

Almost one month ago an incident took place on the north side of my fair city and video evidence of a police officer kicking a handcuffed suspect in the face was released. Scratch that-- the video clearly shows said suspect, Demarko Anderson, lying on his stomach, hands cuffed behind his back, submitting to a different police officer when he was kicked in the face. I think that I reposted the original news story on my Facebook page, but then I just sat back and waited for it all to be revealed. And what was revealed was predictable and disappointing. 

The same officer that was in the news last summer for the murder of Henry Green was confirmed as the officer attempting to stomp out Mr. Anderson on this video. That's right... Zachary Rosen, one of the two cops involved in the Henry Green shooting last summer, was caught, on camera, involved in yet another indictable offense. Let's talk about this... 

I have always maintained that this blog was not a place to dog the police-- and it still is not. Being a police officer (or any kind of first responder, actually) is an incredibly tough job, no doubt. Plus, I don't want to be judged by the actions of all Black people, so I really do try my best not to slap a label on a whole group of people. In my opinion, it is lazy to do so. With that said-- I understand why folks are painting the police with a broad brush. I totally get it-- because if a Black person does something trifling or questionable, I am QUICK to call them out on it... to their face, on social media, in letters to the editor of our local paper, etc. I cut them NO slack. But when officers partake in questionable, trifling actions the only thing you get is a little statement that says "Officer so and so is under investigation" and then after a few months of desk duty officer so and so is back on the streets, tormenting our neighborhoods. Need proof? Exhibit A should be last summer's Henry Green murder. The two officers involved were "investigated" and brought before a Grand Jury and what happened? Not one thing. Officer Rosen was released yet again on our neighborhoods to torment the same taxpayers who pay his salary.

Again, no way am I saying all cops are bad. That simply cannot be true-- in any large city, under any circumstance. There will ALWAYS be cops that choose that job for all the right reasons. In fact, some of the best folks I know serve our city. BUT, Zachary Rosen should not be allowed to police our streets ever again. At what point do we all, as a community (both civilians and police), hold officers like Rosen accountable? When is an "investigation" going to swing in the favor of the community? After he kills another mother's child? After he stomps on someone else's face? What else does he get to do to us? Who gets to be his next victim? Me? My husband? My baby??

Police, in every city, need the respect of their communities in order to do their jobs well. In order for them to GET respect, they need to earn it. How is supporting/hiding/aiding an officer like Zachary Rosen earning the respect of your citizenry? How is anything short of an independent investigation and criminal charges for Rosen earning the respect of those you are charged to protect and serve? How does the Columbus Police Department have the gall to leave these questions unanswered? We pay you. We help you. You are in our community-- we.are.you. At least that is how it is supposed to be. Bottom line: the police want us to trust them... I want the police to earn it.

Aggressive Behavior

Let's have a little discussion about misplaced aggressive behavior. My feathers are all sort of ruffled because two days ago, in my fair city, there was a shooting at a mall. Now, truthfully, this is disturbing for several reasons. 1. These are grown ass women-- not teenagers (not that teens would get a pass either, but you get what I'm saying) 2. The mall is not far from where I live, 3. Shooting people... at any mall? Awful and 3. it has been reported that the ongoing fight that started this whole clusterfuck was about some dude. Y'all. Ladies... please know that I am typing this while giving the deepest, most slanderous side eye that I can muster. Let me summarize the story: Both ladies (using that term lightly) had a child with the same douche. Douche is now incarcerated. Lady A was interviewing for a job at the mall. Lady B saw her, argued and shot her. Lady A is in the hospital. Lady B was arrested and has bonded out of jail. AND, the families of these two "ladies" had a scuffle at the shooter's arraignment. Ma'am, what?!

Now let's be real-- I have raised my voice over a guy, absolutely. I have cussed some folks O-U-T for their behavior while we were dating. They deserved it and I still don't feel bad. But what I have never done is SHOOT someone or done anything that would have me facing jail time over some guy. Not me. I am not the one. I have said several times that I am too pretty for prison (still true) but I have to point out that I am also allergic to looking stupid. And there is no doubt that if you get carted off to jail for fighting over a guy... you look stupid.

When my sister and I were growing up, our parents used to constantly tell us "don't you leave this house and embarrass this family." I think people, women especially, need to hold this rule in high regard. You are fighting over some dude and your family and friends have to watch the replay of your stupidity on the 5, 6 and 11 o'clock news? Come on, don't do that. There is not a man shortage out here. There isn't. And even if there were, you going to jail for shooting someone is not going to help your situation, now is it? 

I firmly believe that if more women had attentive and loving parents in their lives during their formative years, shit like this would not happen. Clearly, the shooter needed someone to make her feel good about herself; needed some extra love and hugs or something.  Shit, not for nothing, she really shouldn't even be upset with that chick she shot. She should be mad at the douche she procreated with... and herself. She needs to focus her anger on the correct person. Truthfully, as soon as I found out that he was expecting a child with someone else I would have been done with him... nothing more to say. Lesson of the day is that misplaced aggression with get you a felony count and some jail time. Keep it classy.

April Showers

Welcome to April, folks!! There is so much on deck for this month. We will be celebrating one whole year of parenthood-- and it seems like this year has flown by. In an effort to continue to write down all the feels/frustrations/celebrations/milestones that we will see or have seen, I have joined the A to Z challenge for the month of April. The rules are simple: Every day of the month (except the first 4 Sundays) is a letter in the alphabet, April 1st = A, April 3rd = B, etc. Because April starts on a Saturday, the last Sunday will be the Z entry. Twenty six letters, twenty six entries. Both blogs. Should be a lot of work... but also fun and exciting. I am going to HAVE to schedule most of these posts in advance because toddler life is unpredictable, but I am excited to write more-- even if that means missing out on some nap time. Hopefully all these posts will be up before 8 pm, but no promises on that because, again, toddler life is traumatic for the mama! So, stay tuned... I think we are going to get to know each other well.