Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Love At First Bite?

Ahhhhh - last week. I have (mostly) recovered so I can talk about it now. Let's all imagine getting dressed for work - minimal lighting (that happens when your spouse works second shift and you work first). Such is my life. Every day. So Thursday morning I was getting dressed, spent a few minutes loving up on the dogs and went to brush my teeth. I came back and the blonde dog was asleep on the foot of the bed. I bent down near his face, to put on my shoes-- startled him-- got a bite to the left cheek. Color me unhappy. I mean, I hadn't even had any coffee at this point. We woke up Lefty, who took me to the bathroom and helped me clean my wound and got me out to work with a band-aid on my face (I looked SO classy-- you are jealous!) It was uncomfortable but it wasn't swollen and I took that damn band-aid off in the parking lot of my job.

Fast forward to Friday around noon. I looked like I was getting a hunchback… on my freaking face! It was warm to touch, swollen and red (yes, Black people can have noticeable red skin, silly!) I left work early and my wonderful Lefty got me an appointment with his doctor. I stroll in with my face, which was getting more and more deformed as the moments flew by, while wearing my sock monkey hat-- don't judge me, I was injured. I got weighed (OMG-- trauma to my ego and any mental stability I thought I had) and head over to an exam room. My personality doesn't stop just because I am growing a small midget on the left side of my face, so I chuckled it up with the nurse while we were waiting on the doctor. Lefty's doctor walks in. She is nice… and looks shocked at the growing mound. She asks the story, I tell her. She tells me what I already knew, tetanus shot and some antibiotics. She was so smooth with it though - she kept looking at my face and when she gave me the script for the antibiotics she said "you need to get this filled…as soon as possible when you leave here." That is doctor code for "your shit is really fucked up and you should get these drugs on board ASAP."

I really did not want to get a tetanus shot either. It isn't that I can't get shots, I spent a week in ICU a few years back (shots galore); it really is that I don't WANT to get shots. You would think that with all this technology around here, there would be an easier way to quickly administer drugs. I mean shots? They are so 1890. Or at least that is what I tell myself when I have to get a shot. Ack. Back comes the nurse. I, quickly, tell her that I am not a fan of what she is peddling. I don't want that damn shot. For real. She tells me if it hurts I can punch her. I begin to soften at the idea of getting tortured by the needle. Just kidding-- I am not hitting some random stranger (Read: THIS time). She gives me the shot. Honestly, it really wasn't bad. Sincerely. I still made her give me a Shrek band-aid. And as I was leaving, I totally copped a sticker that says "I was great"… They may never have me in for another appointment again.

If you are reading this and smiling, say a prayer for Lefty. Last weekend was trying for him (not that he would ever say). I am notoriously the WORST patient ever and he was a gem (even for the face leaking pus stage-- you ARE welcome for that imagery). The dog in question: naps frequently, wakes up and wags his tail at me. He takes being relegated to the dog bed as an adventure. He has no worries in the world. Me? I still have a sore cheek. Such is life.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Dear Gym Patrons

As a person who doesn't only go to the gym in January, let me just say: I hate January. The resolutions, the crowds, the (wrong) use of the equipment, the BAD ASS kids. It is enough to make people lose their ever-loving minds within the confines of the YMCA. I can put up with some ridiculousness… without throwing a *huge* fit, while still making it obvious that I am not pleased. Listen: when I tell you that TODAY made me want to stand on the front desk and start cherry picking people to point out their bad behavior… Whoa. It is sincerely a miracle that I was able to make it out of there with my wits intact. The experience made me come home and type out this open letter to the patrons of my gym, so there is that. Tell me if you can relate to my sentiments: 

Dear children at the gym: Listen, there is day care here. If you are not a preteen- get you little monkey ass off the bikes. I am not your parent and I am not going to say something nice like "oh, Billy, you need to share the equipment." Naw, Billy. Move your punk ass out of the way. I don't know if you have escaped the protective walls of the children's center, but if I have to lead you bubble head back over there, we are going to have problems. If you can't reach the arm controls on the elliptical machine, why is our punk ass on it? Why aren't you with your mama? Matter of fact, point her out to me, Billy. Clearly, I need to have a heart to heart with her. 

Dear New Year Resolution Crowd: I get it. New Year, New You. Work it!! Just don't work your ass over here to me. I tried to prep for your group. I make a plan of what I need to do in the gym and for the month of January, I avoid classes because I have seen the fallout of one too many people in boot camp class. I plan around you because I know it won't be long before the regulars will be back to our little routine, without having to work around you. And please stop confusing me with the trainers around here-- I don't have on a Y shirt. If you don't know how to use something, don't ask me… pay for some personal training lessons and

Dear teenagers: Even with my headphones on I can hear you talking about Susie and Johnny kissing at school or about the new One Direction song/video and who Harry is dating. Guess what? No one cares. Move your ass from in front of my locker. Harry Styles does not know you, silly bird. And if he were dating that Kardashian girl, you wouldn't have a say-- let's move this convo to the side of the locker room, please. I know that you think you have earth shattering news, but unless you are about to tell me that I cannot leave the Y because The Rock is headed in here to sweep me off my feet, like the last scene to An Officer and a Gentleman, I can do without the theatrics. 

Dear grunting guys: Just stop it. Hit the weights, fine. Grunting noises like you are passing a kidney stone? Not fine. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. 

Dear older ladies getting ready for (or after) water aerobics: Hello, how you doing? I know that it is all the rage to love your body and I am all for that. Just do me a favor: while you are embracing your new found love for your body, especially when you are peeling off your wet bathing suit… please, please, turn the other way. We all have wrinkles, dimples and stray hairs that the razor has missed, HOWEVER… I don't want to see full on bush when I am getting dressed. You love your body? Cool. I am so proud of you. But you are a total stranger and I have now seen more of you than I have seen of some of my CLOSEST friends and I might be scarred by the fact that you are vying for the world's hairiest woman title. I need you to realize that looking like a 70s porn star is all good-- for the privacy of your own home and far away from me in the locker room. 

Until next time, y'all.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Wedding Whimsy - Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

WARNING: This is so mushy. Even I have a toothache because of how sickeningly sweet this post is. You have been warned.

Well, well, well. One month and one day ago, I married my best friend. Doesn't that make us sound like an after school special? Do they even still have after school specials? Either way, it is true. On December 21, 2013, when all of our friends thought that they were coming for a cocktail party, Lefty and I were planning on shocking their pants off about an hour into the get together. And shock them we did!! It was exceptionally hard for one of us (Lefty) to keep the secret-- true story, he might have experienced a sigh of relief after everyone found out that we were getting married, just because he no longer had to keep the secret! The plan was to come back from the honeymoon and post our little glee-filled story, but truthfully, we still have supplies from the party in our library (front room of the house) and my car *might* be full of stuff from the party also. In short, life has happened and the world kept on turning, y'all, so I am posting this as soon as I could-- you love it anyway- even if I did want to post it two weeks ago! :) The story, with pics, are below. The honeymoon recap will be a separate entry, probably a week from now.

Saturday, December 21, 2013 - Woke up knowing that we were about to deceive our closest friends and family. Wow, that sentence makes us sound like assholes! LOL. It was completely intentional- the deceit, that is. We were about a month and a half in when we decided to get married at our party. Everyone we loved was invited and seriously, how much more non-traditional can you get except getting married at a cocktail party? Right?! I woke up humming this song:

I'm weird, but whatever. We packed up the cars and headed over to the venue, about 5 hours early. Lefty's mom came over and helped us set up- EVERYTHING. Seriously, she rocked it out. She had absolutely NO clue what was going to go down either. Y'all, we set up the Thurber Center and changed out of our moving crap clothes about 5 minutes before people started arriving. I had on no makeup, but was wearing an AMAZING dress, so I headed down to mingle with my peeps and drink. The drinking came much later.

Lefty and I made the rounds, finally introducing family members and being able to put faces to names heard in stories told a long time ago. We were expecting around 45 people-- we surpassed that. It seems like double our estimated number was there. It was rainy and cold while we were setting up, so I turned up the heat-- needless to say, it was SUPER hot once all those people were added to the mix. Ah, but here comes the ruse. There was a great staircase in the front hallway and originally Lefty and I were going to get everyone into the front entryway and get married on the stairs. That.Didn't.Happen. But the heat afforded us another situation. I made an announcement that we were going to take a group photo on the wrap around porch, so we needed everyone to head outside…

Our nearest and dearest gathered on the porch for our "picture"… I got everyone's attention and started my little speech (me, speaking in front of people? No!) It started out something like "as you all know, we are getting married on Monday…" I continued on and told them that we had decided to get married that night (hear the audible gasps… mostly from my mother). Something short (pointing to myself) and sweet (pointing to Lefty), I said. Into the picture comes my college friend, Jere, who marries us in a 3 minute ceremony. Love and happiness, y'all!!

I have to say- I loved the way that we got married. All the important people were invited, it was a relaxed environment, Lefty did not have to wear a suit and tie, and we actually got to surprise our friends and family with our unique ceremony. The rain let up in just enough time for us to make it out on the porch and a good time was had by all. For us, it was perfect and I would not change a thing. Scroll down for a few pictures from this party!

High School Besties with Lefty
Lefty and I and the Antillons- We love them!! 
Colors of the Party. Small Bouquet that I did not carry.
Kiss the Bride
Kiss the Groom! 
Ceremony on the porch
Lefty and LeeAnn :)

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Soulful Saturday - Stevie Wonder

I don't know what took me so long to make Stevie Wonder a Soulful Saturday post. I mean, almost ALL the music that this man makes is timeless and would play on repeat on the soundtrack of my life. On those Saturday mornings of my youth, when we would spend times as a family doing chores and hanging out, there was always at least one Stevie Wonder song. Poppa Mox doing the hand dance with Momma Mox, my sister and I feigning disgust when they kissed. Oh, the joys of a close knit family, cleaning the house on breezy midwest Saturday mornings.

Stevie Wonder is an inspiration. Seriously. He makes songs for every portion of your life; birth, heartache, new found love, triumphs, and let downs. Anything you got, he has a song for it. (And incidentally the song you need to hear can probably be found on the Songs In The Key of Life album). Let's check him out:


Living For The City (w/ Ray Charles)

Part Time Lover 

*we are undercover passion on the run*
*we are strangers by day, lovers by night, knowing it is so wrong, the feeling is so right*

Do I Do

*Just the mention of your name seems to drive my head insane*

 Knocks Me Off My Feet

I Wish


Overjoyed (My Lefty Dedication) 

Monday, January 06, 2014

How the NCAA fails us daily

I'm sitting here with Lefty, halfway watching this BCS Championship game and I am disgusted.  I'm disgusted for several reasons, most of all because I have to cheer for Auburn (yuck), my Buckeyes aren't in the championship game (damn), but most of all I am disgusted because Florida State University's team is headed by a man-child that is not being held responsible for bad behavior-- read: possible CRIMINAL behavior, so that he can play a child's game for a few million drunk armchair quarterbacks. For the ability to play a game well, we, under the leadership of the NCAA, have chosen to ignore the fact that Jameis Winston was not charged with sexual assault, even though an accuser has made a public complaint.

Now listen, I am aware that college football is a HUGE moneymaker. I am also aware that we are talking about teenage boys, who are experiencing their first times away from home; growing into the men that they are going to be, etc. Let me say this as emphatically as possible-- I DON'T CARE. I know that often times, Colleges and Universities head into the ghettos of American cities and recruit these boys and make them sign at least two years of their lives away to play this game. Again, I don't care. I know that student-athletes are unable to make outside money and live impossible close to poverty (like almost all other college students) while they make millions for their respective schools. Hmmm, I don't know how many times/ways I can say that I don't care, but you get the message.

I don't hand out sympathy for Jameis Winston, or any other student-athlete because guess what? Parents of his victim did not send their daughter to school to be (possibly) raped by an entitled douchebag. Parents do not sock money away to send their child into harms way-- and they definitely do NOT send their child off to college so that they can become a pawn in the game of college athletics. What kills me about the whole situation is the adults in the situation are not even pretending to be impartial. They are not even going to bring charges against their golden goose. What? I mean, can I get an investigation ( a real one)? Can I get some follow through? No. Hmmm, and what if she were your daughter… would you care more then?

Let me just say this-- I am a part of Buckeye Nation. I love Ohio State. I'm obnoxious about it. Lefty graduated from there-- and I grew up down the street from the school. I am the second biggest Ohio State fan there is (mama HBB is the biggest fan). So much shit has been thrown at our boys-- and yes, I do know that they are not innocent-- NO college program is. Say what you want about the kids and our coaching staff, but at the beginning of the season, our STAR running back, a fellow you may have heard of, Carlos Hyde, was accused of hitting a woman outside of a bar. He was suspended for three games. There was VIDEO proof that he did not DO what he was accused of, and Urban Meyer STILL made him serve his suspension, for being in the situation in the first place. And he should have. Senior year, be damned. They SHOULD be held to a higher standard. They should be held responsible for their actions. They should be taught that they don't get everything they want.

No one deserves to be raped. No man, no woman, no child. I don't care what you are wearing, where you are partying, what you had to drink, what day of the week it is, or where you go to school. The idea that one person is expendable because the accused is an athlete (at any level) is preposterous. There is no intelligent argument that will convince me that there is any other truth than that. If someone is not willing to share themselves with you, it is never, ever ok to take what is not on the table. Whether you make a million dollars or two dollars a day. And we as a society have GOT to stop awarding sub par behavior, simply because a person can dribble well, or throw a perfect spiral, or make a goal. What societal norms are we creating, sitting on our asses and still co-signing the tired excuse that boys will be boys? When will WE make people act against those who make our college kids victims, simply because they can? When will our daughters mean more to us than our office sport pools?

Saturday, January 04, 2014

Soulful Saturday - Work Tunes

I had to work on New Year's Eve… until 5:45pm. It was painfully slow for a large portion of the time I was in the office. My co-workers were bored… so was I. Y'all, painfully S.L.O.W. Do you know what happens when it is slow at work? Co-workers lean in and act like assholes; and THAT is exactly what we did. We sat in our little pods and reminisced about music when we were growing up. The conversation was limited to the 90s (yeah, like late 90s) because I am one of the older people in my little pod. It was funny though… because some some mentioned were songs (and groups) that I have not thought about in YEARS. We sat around singing snippets of songs, laughing our heads off like complete morons-- it was amazing that I was getting paid for that.

Just goes to show that if it is really slow in the office, you should probably send your workers home… or stand the chance of paying them for doing absolutely nothing even remotely work related… like singing and looking up lyrics. Who remembers these gems?

DRS - Gangsta Lean

PS- one of us had some brown glasses just like the lead singer, Grades 6-8… I won't elaborate one who that might have been...

Crazy Town - Butterfly

Bone Thugs & Harmony - Crossroads

Vanilla Ice - Ice, Ice Baby

Sugar Ray - Fly


These young kids today! It was really nice to shoot the shit with my co-workers on NYE, and bring in the New Year with my husband, at home, watching movies and eating pizza. So, once again,Happy New Year, y'all… you will be seeing so much more of me in 2014!

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