Who asked Wendy? Oh, Nobody?

Wendy Williams is a bitter bitch, but not in a good way. At this point we have all seen the “Hot Topics” section where she degraded Tabitha Brown’s decision to help her husband retire from being an officer of the Los Angeles Police Department. Wendy started out by saying “Nope, I was married to one of those.” No ma’am, you were married to an abusive, serial cheater who made you look like an asshole in public, by knocking up some young broad and gallivanting all over the world with her. Sis, have several seats and stop commenting on other people's marriages.  

Now listen- we have all had heartache, and we all see other people’s situation through our lived experiences. However, at some point we ALL need to realize that OUR experiences are not everyone else’s path. Now, I trust my very close friends to listen and give opinions on my marriage because they know me… and they do not hesitate to tell me when I am tripping. They have saved Mr. Hot, Black and Bitter’s life a couple times AND told me to get my shit together more than a few times. Let me say this again: they KNOW me. Well, Wendy started off the segment by saying that she doesn’t even know Tabitha Brown. Let me stop you right there- shut thee fuck up, then. She used what is a huge platform to shit on this lady’s marriage and plans she made with her husband because Kelvin made Wendy look like a fool on the national stage. If you don’t know her or her husband, why are you over here spouting relationship “advice”? 

Tabitha Brown came back on her YouTube channel and read Wendy FOR FILTH in the most Christian way and Wendy deserved every sentence of ridicule. If the last year has taught us nothing, we should have, at the very least, learned to mind the business that fucking pays you. Wendy should keep her mouth off other people’s relationships because when she was going through that embarrassing shit with Kelvin, she didn’t want to talk about her relationship. If a couple makes an agreement that they will alternate who brings in the most money during a certain time in their marriage, mind your business. If a couple agrees that person A will work outside the home, while person B keeps the home, mind your fucking business. If their decisions don’t affect YOUR purse, mind.your.fucking.business. Tabitha’s take down of Wendy was so epic, I forwarded it to my parents… because I am petty and I thought it was funny. I included the video below. Because I’m petty and I think it is funny. Wendy, get you some business, bitch. 

Real Life - Marriage

Welcome one and all to the Holiday Season!! This is supposed to be a time filled with joy and quality time with the ones you love. This is the time for giving and forgiving. This is the time to fill up on empty calories since you know one of your resolutions will be to get back to the gym. Oh, just me? Ok. Well, I just read an article about how, for some, the holiday season is the worst part of their year. During this time some folks experience more frequent bouts of depression... some of which is brought on my unrealistic expectations. I think today's heavy social media usage contributes to those unrealistic expectations. Example: Instagram and ALL her filters are the devil. Sis, ain't no way every room in your house is clean and your bowl of kale looks THAT good while you are a size zero with flawless skin... every day. Ain't NO way! 

So, in the interest of being transparent (and because everyone should know that NO one's life is picture perfect all the time), I am going to give you the low down on portions of my life. Here we go with the marriage edition.

First, let me say, I married my best friend. Hubs is just the right person for me to live out my life with. I am happy every day that I wake up and still have him as my partner. If you know us then you know, we balance each other out. Yin and Yang, as it were. He gives me this look when I am being a little ridiculous (and I also have a look for when he is going bonkers). I am not (as) bothered by the things that drive him up the wall. We (generally) hash out things in a constructive manner. We do not fight over money. Ever. He is more reserved, I am not. We take cute selfies and our baby is adorable.

Even with everything in the above paragraph being true-- and it is, there are still days that I want to punch him in the forehead. And, trust me, I KNOW that the feeling is mutual. If I am being completely honest, I am shocked that hubs hasn't thrown up his hands in despair at least once. Listen, marriage is hard-- even the best ones. When I see the divorce rate for the United States I am NOT shocked. Marriage is not like a Hallmark movie. Everything is not cut and dry and fundamental differences cannot be solved in two hours. 

While we are similar, we are definitely not the exact same. There are things that I cannot stand that do not bother my husband. There are things that I can deal with, like the current (and everlasting) messiness of my car, that drive him crazy. Want to know what drives ME crazy? An unorganized linen closet. Whose husband is haunted by an unorganized closet of towels? Oh, no ones? Exactly. It sure as hell drives me up the wall though. You get over it or you marry the one person in the world who can tell you to get over it. 

I know we are all enamored with the beautiful pictures of wedding ceremonies in far off, exotic places. We all cry tears of joy when our friends have their one special day, but marriage is more than that. Marriage is picking up after another grown up; and having someone to tell all your troubles to-- expecting that your secrets will always be safe. It is listening to the same story over and over because THIS set of friends haven't heard it yet. It is more than a huge diamond and a great engagement story. Marriage is day in and day out, giving up your "you" time but being happy about it. 

Don't trust those pictures on the internet. In fact, if you are following someone who pretends that everything is perfect, all the time, unfollow those assholes. That ain't real life. No one needs that negativity in their lives. Marriage is hard work that not everybody is built for. The only advice everyone should subscribe to, whether you have made it 30 years or 30 days, is be grateful for the love you have found and always let them know that you appreciate what they do. Be present in your marriage, whatever that looks like, and don't worry about Suzie Q down the lane... you aren't married to her.  Happy Holidays! 

King of the Castle

It has been a while. I have absolutely no excuse. Ok, I do. If you have been watching he Hot, Black and Bitter Facebook page, you know that Lefty and I are expecting what will undoubtedly be a super smartass in baby form. So, I have been sacrificing all my writing duties (and some household duties) to practice my superpower of growing a little human. Essentially, I nap... a bunch. I (generally) don't feel bad about that either. Tums have become my best friend. Tums and fiber pills. Yep, just in case you are wondering, I am tripping the life fantastic over here. But no worries-- this will not turn into a baby blog, mostly because even the title Hot, Black and Bitter is not the first thing you think of when talking about a loving mother. Right?! Also, this was never meant to be a baby blog. Or nice. Or a reference for coochie coos, baby milestones and lost teeth. This is where I come to drop words and phrases that I don't even say in front of MY mom. I have decided to keep this blog, because Lord knows having a baby is only going to make me MORE opinionated on some subjects AND start a baby blog that people can read... just in case that is your thing. So, yeah. I'll let y'all know when that goes all the way live. We can meet on the inter webs for play dates and shit. I'm pumped. So, before I start blogging here again-- because SO much shit has happened that I feel the need to share my fantastic sarcasm for ALL to see-- I want to send out a special thanks. Didn't I just say this was not the place for touchy feely bullshit? Eh, I blame it on the pregnancy hormones, so sue me. When I tell y'all that my husband is a saint... ok, he might not be a saint yet, but after a lifetime with me, he should be up for sainthood. On my best, non-pregnant, day I am a handful and a half. Seriously. I know it. Breaking into year 38 of life, I doubt that it is going to change much. Add to that some *slight* mood changes, swollen toes, needed naps and, in general, my uterus being on fire with a growing alien and that handful and a half quickly multiplies. Through it all, though Lefty has been a dream. He doesn't always know the right thing to say when I am having some dramatic meltdown, he just kind of lets me have my moment and then asks me if I need anything. He is just so chill-- a natural deterrent to my brand of crazy. Woo Hoo!! So, before I re-engage in this blogging thing I want to take a little time to say thanks to Lefty for getting cheese fries at 2:30 in the morning, listening to me whistle from my nose because of early morning congestion, letting me take naps when we are supposed to be having productive Saturday afternoons, rubbing my swollen feet when you come in from work, text messaging me to check in on my crazy ass, transporting the laundry baskets downstairs, letting these nutball canines in and out of the house and having very frank discussions about pooping... you know, total party conversations. I would not want to venture out on this limb with anyone else. Let's pray it doesn't kill us! LOL

Wedding Whimsy - Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

WARNING: This is so mushy. Even I have a toothache because of how sickeningly sweet this post is. You have been warned.

Well, well, well. One month and one day ago, I married my best friend. Doesn't that make us sound like an after school special? Do they even still have after school specials? Either way, it is true. On December 21, 2013, when all of our friends thought that they were coming for a cocktail party, Lefty and I were planning on shocking their pants off about an hour into the get together. And shock them we did!! It was exceptionally hard for one of us (Lefty) to keep the secret-- true story, he might have experienced a sigh of relief after everyone found out that we were getting married, just because he no longer had to keep the secret! The plan was to come back from the honeymoon and post our little glee-filled story, but truthfully, we still have supplies from the party in our library (front room of the house) and my car *might* be full of stuff from the party also. In short, life has happened and the world kept on turning, y'all, so I am posting this as soon as I could-- you love it anyway- even if I did want to post it two weeks ago! :) The story, with pics, are below. The honeymoon recap will be a separate entry, probably a week from now.

Saturday, December 21, 2013 - Woke up knowing that we were about to deceive our closest friends and family. Wow, that sentence makes us sound like assholes! LOL. It was completely intentional- the deceit, that is. We were about a month and a half in when we decided to get married at our party. Everyone we loved was invited and seriously, how much more non-traditional can you get except getting married at a cocktail party? Right?! I woke up humming this song:



I'm weird, but whatever. We packed up the cars and headed over to the venue, about 5 hours early. Lefty's mom came over and helped us set up- EVERYTHING. Seriously, she rocked it out. She had absolutely NO clue what was going to go down either. Y'all, we set up the Thurber Center and changed out of our moving crap clothes about 5 minutes before people started arriving. I had on no makeup, but was wearing an AMAZING dress, so I headed down to mingle with my peeps and drink. The drinking came much later.

Lefty and I made the rounds, finally introducing family members and being able to put faces to names heard in stories told a long time ago. We were expecting around 45 people-- we surpassed that. It seems like double our estimated number was there. It was rainy and cold while we were setting up, so I turned up the heat-- needless to say, it was SUPER hot once all those people were added to the mix. Ah, but here comes the ruse. There was a great staircase in the front hallway and originally Lefty and I were going to get everyone into the front entryway and get married on the stairs. That.Didn't.Happen. But the heat afforded us another situation. I made an announcement that we were going to take a group photo on the wrap around porch, so we needed everyone to head outside…

Our nearest and dearest gathered on the porch for our "picture"… I got everyone's attention and started my little speech (me, speaking in front of people? No!) It started out something like "as you all know, we are getting married on Monday…" I continued on and told them that we had decided to get married that night (hear the audible gasps… mostly from my mother). Something short (pointing to myself) and sweet (pointing to Lefty), I said. Into the picture comes my college friend, Jere, who marries us in a 3 minute ceremony. Love and happiness, y'all!!

I have to say- I loved the way that we got married. All the important people were invited, it was a relaxed environment, Lefty did not have to wear a suit and tie, and we actually got to surprise our friends and family with our unique ceremony. The rain let up in just enough time for us to make it out on the porch and a good time was had by all. For us, it was perfect and I would not change a thing. Scroll down for a few pictures from this party!

High School Besties with Lefty

Lefty and I and the Antillons- We love them!! 

Colors of the Party. Small Bouquet that I did not carry.

Rings

Kiss the Bride

Kiss the Groom! 

Ceremony on the porch

Lefty and LeeAnn :)

Eat, Drink and Be... Married.

Holy shit, this has been a crazy week. Not only have Lefty and I been working six days a week for what seems like an eternity, Valentine's Day was Thursday and we got engaged. What?!?!?! Read that last part again!! :-) We got engaged. I am not generally one for surprises and Lefty knows that, so how he pulled this off... I am still baffled.

We decided to have a day date- because we work the night shift at a local manufacturing plant and we had to work Thursday night. He came to my house at 12:30 for a surprise and lunch. He was bearing gifts. I am not one for flowers all the time, but I do LOVE candy. He had this in hand:

There was THE sweetest card I have EVER received and a bouquet of sorts...

That would be a bouquet of Fruit Gushers. Does this man know me, or does he know me? I guess I should have known that something was up when I noticed that Lefty was wearing a tie (he never does that), though I did quickly realize where we were headed... because said tie had books on it. 

One of the first dates that we had was at the Columbus Metropolitan Library. I took him. We are book nerds. Seriously. The history section of the library gives us life. I'm not kidding. Lefty was a history major during his Buckeye years, and history was one of my majors when I was partying it up in Oxford, Ohio so when I say that we can devour stories of the past, know that it is not an exaggeration. Also the Main Library opened in 1907... more history. I was so excited as we pulled up to the library- whatever, I attribute my giddiness to book dust (or something!) :) But seriously, how can you drive up to this building and NOT be excited?!?!?! 

Amazing, right? 

We walked around for about 45 minutes. History section, of course. After about 45 minutes I was getting hungry (Note: I am an eater. I like food. Real food. Not a salad orderer at restaurants!!) Me: "ok, babe- you ready to go eat?" Him: "yep!" I checked out a book and started to head for the side door. 

The Main Library has been revamped since the last time I lived in Columbus, so before we left, Lefty asked if I had seen the front entry way since I'd moved back. I hadn't, so we headed up the marble stairs (right inside the front doors) to check out the second level where there is an art gallery and the administrative offices. We checked out the small art gallery, the flowers that are carved into the ceiling and the beautiful stained glass windows (you can't tell but they are the semi-circles in the picture). I was so busy looking around at this wonderfully quiet, beautiful place with the sunshine shining on me through these amazing stained glass windows that I didn't even notice that Lefty was on one knee! 

Me: "What are you doing? Oh..."

Him: "You make my life incredible. I can't imagine being without you. [Insert my FULL name] will you marry me?" 

He then told me to check my text messages. While we were in the gallery he text messaged me this: 

Yeah- we are scrabble nerds also. Ha!! How sweet is that?! 

Oh yes, it was amazing. AMAZING. Short, sweet and freaking amazing!! I said yes... we went to lunch (yay!!) and then to work (boo!) 

As for the ring: he did a fabulous job. I am not really a diamond kinda girl and I don't want something that everyone else has. PLUS, I have a job where wearing jewelry is sometimes problematic. Well, he got my ring in Paris... so I doubt that women will be running around with the same ring on :) I love it and the wedding bands (diamonds) that will go with it will fit around its curves. 

All in all... Thursday was about the BEST day EVER (minus the working part). It was perfect for me; for us. Lefty has made me an amazingly lucky, loved, respected, hot, Black and bitter woman. You can't see me right now, but I am totally smiling- and have been since we met.