Black Girl, Overjoyed: Part One

Just over one month ago I had a birthday. (Truthfully these fucking birthdays seem to be getting closer and closer together-- I'm not ready.) So, for over a month I have been bringing crass and sass to 41 like no one's business. I mean, I have been rocking it, but some things that have happened in the last couple of weeks has made me want to count my blessings, so to speak. I started thinking about life lessons that I have learned over these 41 years of eating, breathing and living on this planet. Some lessons have been learned the hard way-- several times over-- because I am a hard headed asshole (eh, know thy self, right?). Some lessons are just common sense (but the vast majority of folks have dismissed common sense, so... they still might be helpful.) All of these lessons have shaped me as a person, and I am excited to share them over the next few weeks.  

So 41 years on this Earth, (at least) 41 lessons learned, right? Let's get into it. 

Lesson 1: Coffee is the best drug. No, really. Before law school I never touched the stuff. During pregnancy I couldn't drink it... but now every day needs that hot concoction to be great. Don't leave home un-caffeinated. 

Lesson 2: Be the friend that YOU once needed. I pride myself on being a good friend. Like, I am ride or die. If we are cool, you are family and I will do anything I can to help you out. I think one reason I am like that is because, at a couple times in my life, I have needed some ride or die friends. Folks who didn't ask any questions but just came to my aid. I carry that with me every day and I am determined to be that for someone else. 

Lesson 3: Travel. Extensively and as often as possible. Pretty self explanatory. 

Lesson 4: Have a signature fragrance. Do it.

Lesson 5: There is no such thing as peer pressure. Doesn't exist. If I don't want to do something, I am not going to do it. Period. 

Lesson 6: Tip well. Don't be a cheap bastard. I firmly believe that EVERYONE should have to wait tables once in their life. That shit is humbling... and it is legit HARD WORK. So if your bill is $75 and you leave five bucks on the table, we can not be seen together in public ever again. Don't be an asshole. 

Lesson 7: Find a quality esthetician and follow her to the ends of the Earth. Seriously, if she moves to a salon all the way across town FOLLOW HER. She will help you get your life (and those eyebrows) together. Ok?

Lesson 8: Not everything belongs on social media. Back in my day (in my old lady voice) we didn't have social media. When I was a teenager there was no Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and we certainly didn't pose for the 'Gram. So the idea that my private issues would not make the rounds on social media. I love social media... but it does not run all facets of my life. And all facets of my life do NOT make it onto social media. 

Lesson 9: Don't slurp. Seriously, it is fucking gross and low rent. Eat with your mouth closed. No one wants to experience your food like that.

Lesson 10: Read. Continuously. Everything. 

More to come, 

Real Life - Marriage

Welcome one and all to the Holiday Season!! This is supposed to be a time filled with joy and quality time with the ones you love. This is the time for giving and forgiving. This is the time to fill up on empty calories since you know one of your resolutions will be to get back to the gym. Oh, just me? Ok. Well, I just read an article about how, for some, the holiday season is the worst part of their year. During this time some folks experience more frequent bouts of depression... some of which is brought on my unrealistic expectations. I think today's heavy social media usage contributes to those unrealistic expectations. Example: Instagram and ALL her filters are the devil. Sis, ain't no way every room in your house is clean and your bowl of kale looks THAT good while you are a size zero with flawless skin... every day. Ain't NO way! 

So, in the interest of being transparent (and because everyone should know that NO one's life is picture perfect all the time), I am going to give you the low down on portions of my life. Here we go with the marriage edition.

First, let me say, I married my best friend. Hubs is just the right person for me to live out my life with. I am happy every day that I wake up and still have him as my partner. If you know us then you know, we balance each other out. Yin and Yang, as it were. He gives me this look when I am being a little ridiculous (and I also have a look for when he is going bonkers). I am not (as) bothered by the things that drive him up the wall. We (generally) hash out things in a constructive manner. We do not fight over money. Ever. He is more reserved, I am not. We take cute selfies and our baby is adorable.

Even with everything in the above paragraph being true-- and it is, there are still days that I want to punch him in the forehead. And, trust me, I KNOW that the feeling is mutual. If I am being completely honest, I am shocked that hubs hasn't thrown up his hands in despair at least once. Listen, marriage is hard-- even the best ones. When I see the divorce rate for the United States I am NOT shocked. Marriage is not like a Hallmark movie. Everything is not cut and dry and fundamental differences cannot be solved in two hours. 

While we are similar, we are definitely not the exact same. There are things that I cannot stand that do not bother my husband. There are things that I can deal with, like the current (and everlasting) messiness of my car, that drive him crazy. Want to know what drives ME crazy? An unorganized linen closet. Whose husband is haunted by an unorganized closet of towels? Oh, no ones? Exactly. It sure as hell drives me up the wall though. You get over it or you marry the one person in the world who can tell you to get over it. 

I know we are all enamored with the beautiful pictures of wedding ceremonies in far off, exotic places. We all cry tears of joy when our friends have their one special day, but marriage is more than that. Marriage is picking up after another grown up; and having someone to tell all your troubles to-- expecting that your secrets will always be safe. It is listening to the same story over and over because THIS set of friends haven't heard it yet. It is more than a huge diamond and a great engagement story. Marriage is day in and day out, giving up your "you" time but being happy about it. 

Don't trust those pictures on the internet. In fact, if you are following someone who pretends that everything is perfect, all the time, unfollow those assholes. That ain't real life. No one needs that negativity in their lives. Marriage is hard work that not everybody is built for. The only advice everyone should subscribe to, whether you have made it 30 years or 30 days, is be grateful for the love you have found and always let them know that you appreciate what they do. Be present in your marriage, whatever that looks like, and don't worry about Suzie Q down the lane... you aren't married to her.  Happy Holidays! 

Tis The Season for…

Hello capitalism and those who love it! Tis the season for you to go out and buy a whole bunch of shit you don't need, so you can seem just a little cooler to people who don't (shouldn't) matter! Oh happy day! There are deals to be had! There will be small lines (woo hoo) and most things are on sale (supposedly). And hey, if you get the shopping done on Thursday, there will be less pressure when you are out shopping it up on Black Friday, right?

And you know what my vote is? Get your asses out there and shop it up!! I see all this fake concern on social media about stores opening on Thanksgiving. How we need to "keep family traditions" and not feed into the hype. Listen, get your asses in line!! No one was talking this Thanksgiving shit when the iPhone 5 came out. (BTW- why do people still stand in line for shit like that?) Get out there! Help strengthen the economy! Shop before, after and possibly while eating your turkey dinner. Get to the stores and buy your limit of deals under $100 and find a place to hide that shit so your bad ass kids don't find it before Christmas.

I don't care if you want to shop on Thanksgiving. And truthfully, no one else does either. They just want to raise some hell about something… anything. And if they do truly care about what you do on designated holidays (that you are not celebrating with them, in their home, with their families), then… I'm not going to say they are stupid, but those would NOT be the people I would look to for smart advice. The truth is that not everyone HAS family traditions that they participate in every Thanksgiving/holiday season. There are some people with NO family. There are some people (actually some people that I know) who think that Thanksgiving is just another day, and they don't celebrate. And that number is seemingly on the rise. I mean, the stores aren't just opening for one person. There has to be an economic win for stores to one on a holiday, pay people holiday pay wages and stock the store. Someone is going to show up.

And if that someone is not you-- don't worry about what other people are doing. It is not stopping your show. It is not stopping your family get together. It is not stopping the thousands of fake smiles and "yes, we should get together more often" conversations. Is it? No. You won't be on this high and mighty horse when you are opening presents on Christmas, or pushing old ladies out of the way on Black Friday. You definitely won't be saying that at around 6:00 on Thanksgiving evening when your family members are getting on your nerves so you leave to go to the movie theater, right? So you go right on ahead and enjoy your gluttonous holiday, celebrating the stealing of land; the downfall of the Native Americans; the original sin, as it were, on these shores of America. Now, how does it feel, Debbie Downer? Let those people shop if they want to!!

I, for one, will be hanging out with the Hot, Black and Bitter family and Lefty's family throughout the whole weekend. I will be laughing, taking pictures of my food and drinking more than I should. I will have on elastic waistband pants and an extra large t-shirt and I will fall in love with every piece of pie, every bit of my mashed potatoes and gravy and every forkful of my momma's macaroni and cheese. (Don't you judge me-- my mom makes the best Mac and Cheese around… and no, I will NOT be sharing). I will be thoroughly content and too busy (and thankful) to sit around judging people for not celebrating like I do. Whatever it is that you do during this season… do it and have a blast!

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!

The Best Man Holiday - A Review

I knew when I saw the previews that I was going to see this movie… by myself. Not because Lefty wouldn't go, but because I wanted to go, by myself. I remember the first movie-- my heart was all aflutter for the sexy black men on the screen. I mean honestly, minus Terrence Howard, serial cheater Eddie Cibrian and Melissa De Sousa, have you seen a more delicious looking cast?? And let me just add, Eddie Cibrian IS hot… he needs to learn to keep it in his pants and not marry LeeAnn Rimes (gross). Nia Long is ALWAYS flawless. She puts these young girls to shame; Taye Diggs… damn; Regina Hall - lovely; Sanaa… y'all already know and last but certainly NOT least, Mr. Morris Chestnut, who happens to be sex magnified to a level I cannot comprehend. Life giving, he takes away the breath of women everywhere… including me. Oh.My.God, the man is… what is better than flawless? Whatever THAT is, he is. I am not kidding. Look for yourself… I will wait for you to catch your breath.

I kinda feel like screaming "Sexual Chocolate!" like one of Eddie Murphy's characters in Coming to America, dropping the mic and getting off stage. And, no, I do not feel bad for it. Mostly because how do you look at this face and feel bad?! You can't.

And again, you ARE welcome. Anyway-- the movie. The movie was a good. It definitely played on all emotions. It was happy, sad… incited anger a few times. It was a good escape from whatever you have going on, because the story quickly envelopes you into the lives of the characters. It is easy to follow, even if you have not seen The Best Man (original) since it came out in 1999 (ahem, me). Everyone kind of fits into the personality they left us with in that movie. I loved how you could see the progression (and sometimes regression) of the characters. I had plenty of problems with the plot-- like how the women (mostly Sanaa and that horrible Melissa de Sousa) can't seem to let go of the past, even with everything that is going on in the movie. And how Morris always directs his anger at the wrong person… But the movie definitely takes you on an emotional roller coaster, and I liked it. Bonus for me? Eddie George makes a cameo appearance and I have loved that man since his days as a Buckeye, thank you very much!! 

Go see the Best Man Holiday-- it will get you in the mood for Christmas, family and forgiveness. **PLUS THERE IS A NEW EDITION 'CAN YOU STAND THE RAIN?' RENDITION TO DIE FOR!!!!** And don't blame me if you faint at the sight of a shirtless Morris Chestnut, or cry a river in the theater. Both of which are possible!! :) 

You'll Take Happy Holidays... And Like It!

Lefty and I have been traveling fools lately. We have spent the holiday season all over the Midwest (Ohio, Chicago, Green Bay). I have some fun posts about eating because we enjoyed some fabulous food in the last couple of months, but that is not what this post is about.

Picture this: Chicago, the day after Christmas. Less than a dusting of snow on the ground, but the winds were blustery. I do mean that they were bowl you over on the street strong. Wow. And guess who forgot her gloves in Columbus? Yep, they were doing me all kinds of good in Columbus. Duh. So, Lefty and I set out from our hotel to do some glove shopping on State Street. We couldn't find scarves and gloves in Macy's -- and what the fuck was that about?! We asked employees and still could NOT find them. Customer Service sucks at that store. Anyway, we made our way to TJMaxx, found some gloves and stood in a forever line to check out. When we were called to a register, we passed someone who was done and this is the conversation that took place.

Cashier: "Here is your change and receipt, thank you and Happy Holidays!"

Customer: "Um, Christmas is over."

And he walks out.

Now, I don't know if this man was brought up in a barn or not, but I was taught that when someone says something nice to you, you respond with "thank you." What the hell? I actually had to unfriend more than a few pages and people on facebook because their biggest gripe wasn't about the fiscal cliff we just averted, the shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary or ending the war in Afghanistan, bringing home troops, finding a cure for cancer... Nope, their biggest complaint was that the holiday card that was sent out by the White House didn't have a Christmas tree on it. Bitch, please find your life. Let me let you all in on a little secret that I was hoping I would never have to type because people should REALLY just know: Um, the United States of America is NOT a Christian nation. Everyone who lives here does not go to a Christian church on Sundays. Christmas is NOT the only holiday celebrated during this "holiday season." You really seem like a jackass when you are unable to meet a nice gesture with a thank you.

I mean, have we devolved into this? Whatever holiday season you celebrate (or if you don't celebrate at all) would it kill you to be nice? I mean, think about that... and who it is coming from. I have perfected being mean and tactless and even I was bothered by the egotistical, Christian centered behavior that I observed last month, especially. Would it kill you to take a "Happy Holidays" without bitching about how politically correct life has become? How about a "thank you" or "same to you"?? How about thinking: "wow, that was nice for this person to take the time out of their day to say something nice to me"?? There is no rule stating that everyone has to celebrate the same. Some of us need to resolve not to be walking dicks this year... and for the first time, that I can remember... that group does not include me.

Happy (all) Holidays!

Happy New Year- make it count!

 

Fed Up - "Christians"

Tis the season, or so I've been told-- repeatedly. My facebook page has been bombarded with little sayings like "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" and the like, so I think that I should attack discuss how some "Christians" that operate today... and the problems that I have with them. What?! She attacks discusses Christians? Oh yes, yes I do. And if you find my... analysis overly burdensome, I am probably talking about you.

I think that I have written about this before, but just in case it is in an entry that you skipped reading... I have a real problem with holier than thou people. Right? I don't like it when people use what they learn on Sundays to 1. look down on others and 2. somehow erase all the bad things that they have done, but not the sins of their neighbor. I hate when people use scripture to back up backward thinking that allows them to always be right, always be special, always be who everyone should look forward to becoming because they magically do no wrong. Now, I joke around a LOT. I talk shit... clearly, by the looks of this blog, I have no problem talking about people if the circumstances call for it. But here is the difference: I know that I'm not flawless. So when I see "churches" that are supposed to be teaching the love and grace of the same God that I worship using the same scriptures that I identify with as guidelines for my religion to limit the lives of people who are different than them... I tend to take it personally.

Needs some examples? There is a "church" in Kentucky that has voted to BAN interracial couples in their services. I could have totally missed this scripture in the Bible, so I am gonna ask: huh, where did Jesus tell them that worship services had to be segregated? I am so confused. Do white people have a different God that they pray to? Would an interracial couple in the crowd limit God from listening to their prayers? Is this 1945? I guess I am not welcome there... because I would TOTALLY walk in with the hottest white guy I know on my arm and proudly announce that we were there to serve the Lord. I'm good like that! ;)

We all know about the Westboro Baptist "church" and their shenanigans. Where in the Bible does it say that picketing the funerals of service men and women with absolutely reckless signs is in God's plan? Where did Jesus say love thy neighbor EXCEPT if he or she serves in the military for YOUR freedom... then go ahead and tell them that they are going to Hell? Was I sleeping the church service where we learned about that? Absent? Sick? I'm pretty sure I wasn't. Where is the Bible does it say that name calling should be used to add more members to the flock? Westboro uses the "F" word to describe homosexuals-- is that sanctioned by Jesus? When did he say that was ok? I mean, I need to know, so I need someone to educate me... since Jesus is the Reason for the Season and all. I need to make sure I am properly handling myself this holiday season.  

I guess that my point is: If Jesus really is the reason for season, shouldn't churches be looking to do all that they can to bring people together? Isn't this the time to drop church politics and get as many people as possible in the door to tell them about why you are happy where you are and how Jesus (the reason for the season) got you there? Isn't it of the utmost importance that churches be the best example of what Christianity is NOW, in order to bring people into the church so that we can ALL celebrate the reason for the season? I could totally be wrong, but I think we are supposed to be lighting the way and leading by example... not crucifying our neighbors for what we perceive as sin. I might be a lot of things... I might think very highly of myself but I can tell you something-- I know my limitations. I know that just like my neighbors screw up, so do I. Just like my neighbors curse, fight and act an ass-- so do I (mostly on this blog). I know that sometimes I just need a break, a kind word, a smile, a non crazy person interaction... just like those around me. So how about this-- no matter what God you pray (or don't pray) to... how about we use this season to be a little nicer and spread a little cheer? Let's make it less about what we want to get and more about what we can give to those who don't have. Let's make a pact to put a smile on someone's face and leave the bitterness to the winds here in Chicago... and ME! :)

Happy Holiday Season--