My Own Private Idaho

I am sure that the majority of people who still read my blog remember the movie "My Own Private Idaho." It was one of the last movies that dreamy looking River Phoenix starred in before his untimely death. The title of the movie has often been used to describe ongoing craziness/self discovery in one's life. For example, you meet up with a girlfriend for brunch, she tells you all about corporate life, her rise and grind, the fantastically expensive vacation she finally went on. Then she asks you how things are going with you and your response? "Girl, I am having my Own Private Idaho over here." For me, that description does not mean that life is good or bad. It means that I am surviving, rolling with the punches... shit, it means I am making it (even if I am BARELY making it). 

So, that is what has been going on over here-- I have been having my Own Private Idaho. I have been surviving. We are (kinda) making it through toddlerhood-- I will be posting more about that slice of crazy on my mommy blog. We got a new puppy, because I clearly am a glutton for punishment. I (mentally) celebrated the anniversary of my sixth year back in Ohio. Most of life has been good. And then some of it, has been awful. Just today I found out that one of my girlfriends in Chicago passed away. Just today. And while I am making it through my tasks for the day, I am utterly heartbroken. She was a good chick-- in a world where folks generally don't care about one another. She was quick with a smile, a good word, a night of dancing invite. And now cancer has taken her away from this world. From diagnosis to death was quick and trust me, we all got cheated. I will miss her, our conversations and our laughs. 

Life is... hard. At times, it is so happy-- like when my kid sings You Are My Sunshine back to me. And dammit, at times, it is devastatingly sad-- like when cancer steals people that you love, like a thief in the night. In the last three years I have lost a friend in her 30s, a friend in her 40s and a friend in her 50s. After each loss, my heart is a little less full. In between these two extremes- these polar opposites- there is the every day. The nap time battles, the potty training (baby and puppy), the making a dinner everyone will eat, the personal growth... the setbacks. Will you make it to the gym or will you be chunky forever? Will you ever have a normal social life again? Will you get that new job? That raise? A date with that hottie you saw at the grocery store? Shit, will you ever have ten minutes to update your blog-- to document this crazy thing called life? Life. The good, the bad, the in between. Our Own Private Idaho.  

Heartbreak In Cleveland

I can't be the only one who hates to see their home state in the news. Truth be told, Ohio has made nationwide news a lot lately-- and I am not a fan. The news stories are always THE WORST and totally not representative of this great state. I imagine that when asked, most people think that Ohio is a sleepy state, filled to the brim with fields of cows, corn and wheat. Oh, and somewhere in those fields there is a football stadium where Ohio State plays (and wins). Clearly, that isn't representative of our state either... but I would take that imagery versus what has been in the news (several heroin overdoses, kidnappings, child abuse and murders).

Easter Sunday was really relaxed at the Hot, Black and Bitter Palace. We didn't go to church (heathens) so we were hanging out, waiting for Baby K to get a good nap in before going shopping (holiday= less people out, thank you sweet baby Jesus). She was napping when we heard the news. Some random goofy dude shot an elderly man on the streets of Cleveland. Now listen, I am wary of "trending news" because sometimes it isn't true and if you post it on social media, you look dumb as hell... then all your smart friends tell you that you are dumb as hell... so I try not to participate in passing shit around until I know it is true. I waited for confirmation from the Cleveland Police Department. We all got it. A douchebag (who has a name, but you won't see it here because fuck him) pulled his car over and shot an elderly man who was minding his own business. Why? Because his girlfriend ended their relationship and he just could NOT handle himself.

A few things: that break up did not make him "snap" He was looking for an excuse to do some destructive shit. He was calm when he walked up to Mr. Godwin, has small talk and recorded himself shooting that man... FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. The loss of a woman didn't do that. Nah. I have had bad break ups and never once have I thought, "you know what? I should go shoot someone." Not once. Because people don't do shit like that. Life is not all glitter and rainbows. Sometimes Life fucks you up. Sometimes Life grabs you and throws you down a couple times. GET YOUR ASS BACK UP. It happens to everyone. Break ups happen. Bills happen. Life happens.

Point Two: I have to admit that the fact that some of y'all keyboard ninjas "investigated" the ex girlfriend irked the hell out of me. She was investigated so tough that she issued a statement/apology. She had nothing to apologize for. Clearly, she did exactly what she needed to do: she got away from that asshole.

Point Three: Mr. Godwin's family issued a statement (before that animal took his own life) asking for him to turn himself in and stating that they forgive him. AIN'T NO WAY. Nope. And I don't give a shiny shit in a leprechaun's pot of gold if that makes me the pettiest person on the face of God's green Earth. Listen to me when I tell you, if you commit a crime against one of my family members forgiveness is going to be the LAST possible thing on my mind. Call me a bitch... whatever, I may not ever get to forgiveness. I'm ok with that.

Last point: After being confronted by Pennsylvania law enforcement officers this fuckbag killed himself yesterday. Hardest eyeroll EVER. I mean, if his death was his endgame all along why did he... you know what, nevermind.

I am absolutely heartbroken for the Godwin family. In all sincerity, they are in my daily prayers. I could not imagine what they are facing. I know I say it a lot, y'all, but hug your babies... your family... your spouse. It is getting rough out here.

Soulful Saturday - In Memoriam

This year has been rough. Lefty and I were talking yesterday and I recounted that in the last 9 weeks, three people that I have known well have passed away-- two of them were my age. You know, that is a lot... and those feelings led to this entry. 2015 has not spared musicians either. This week the world lost a genius. Someone who receives heavy play on my iPod-- the incomparable B.B. King.

Lefty told me yesterday that it is sad when someone passes away, but the good part (if there is one) is that people remember good things; we tell stories and reminisce. And I guess that is true. You don't really think of it at the time, because you are hurting, but remembering the good times is what gets us through.

Here are three giants that we lost this year... and their biggest hits.


B.B. King - The Thrill is Gone



Ben E. King - Stand By Me





Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves a Woman

**One of my most favorite songs, ever**

Fed Up Friday - Fakers and the Ungrateful

So... Hello. I am back! I've been writing for the past three weeks, but have also been suffering through some rough times. Rough times usually equal taking care of others who are affected by the bad times and taking better care of yourself so you make it through. Rough times let you know just where you are in your life... who you can trust and who deserves the designation of "acquaintance." Acquaintance... the fail safe category. We all have acquaintances-- um, we don't all have friends. Hard times, a new life, a death, new riches, hard decisions and even betterment of self-- all of these things will bring out the best AND worst in people. These situations WILL let you know where you stand with people. You will find out who your friends are and who considers YOU an acquaintance. The ungrateful and the fake will not withstand anyone else's rough times... they can barely make it through theirs. Haven't had any rough times lately? Good!! I hope that streak continues. Since you may not have experienced fakers and the ungrateful lately, let me give you a few examples.

UNGRATEFUL

Have you ever met someone that is just not happy about anything? I mean, I am Hot, Black and Bitter but I have fabulous days. I'm not bitter all the time, every day... just most of the time! :) But I have people that communicate with me who are unhappy EVERY, single day. I mean you can say "good morning" and these are the people that will ask "what is so good about it?" I'm not talking about people who have hit a rough patch, have a crappy job, abusive relationship, real problems. I'm talking about the people who will take to Twitter and Facebook and complain about stupid shit every day. Can't find an outfit for your date? Your favorite shoes got muddy? The guy you liked asked out your friend? The sun didn't shine on your ass this morning? Ahhhh- we don't care. You know what, you selfish bastards? Some people that you passed yesterday did not have the privilege of waking up today. You woke up in order to complain. I get that your job is bad-- um, isn't everyone's? But how about this: you have a job. Especially in this economic climate. There are children that go to sleep hungry. Women who have to sell their body to make money to feed their families. Men who are being driven to steal to feed themselves. Whole families that are homeless and living on the streets of YOUR city. So stop your bitching. Damn.

FAKERS

Uh, you are NOT a model. You are NOT a baller. You are NOT half of what you proclaim and you are NOT friends with all your online "friends." See here is the deal- there are people who will pretend to have everything that they think others want them to have. They strive for social perfection; saying the right things, buying the right things, having the right significant other or the right job. They do things they aren't interested in if it gets them to the top. They are master manipulators, always pushing the buttons of the ones that they want or don't want around. It is sad that at this age, some of my peers are still finding it hard to be themselves. You know, everyone should find someone who loves them for them. Someone who doesn't care that you don't spend a small fortune in the Spring and Fall on your wardrobe. Someone who thinks it is cute when you stay in for the night to read or do laundry. Someone who just gets YOU. Faking it till you make it only works for on job training, let's all remember that.

I guess that after dealing with this death in my extended family I am a serious proponent of living every day to the fullest. Who has time to complain all day? Who has time to pretend to be something you're not? Who has time to feed the egos of people you don't care about and who don't care about you? Why would you put yourself through the changes? Do the stuff that makes you happy. Be around the people that make you happy and show support when you need it. I'm not talking about online support; I'm talking about being there, calling you, making sure that you are making it. And for God's sake: be you.

Rape and Playing the Blame Game

WARNING: this entry WILL (should) make you uncomfortable... and for that reason, certain people should refrain from reading it... like, my mother, the church lady, and those who are easily offended by cursing and me calling people foul names. You have been warned!!
I blame this post on Twitter! I have been working two jobs for the past couple of weeks, so my posting has been lax, and so has my news reading. I have preferred sleep- a LOT, but I do keep up with my Twitter feed. Today, while treating myself to breakfast, I came across a patch of posts that referenced a rape in Cleveland,Texas. You can read about it here and here. For those of you who don't like to click on links... In November of last year, in the town of Cleveland an 11 year old girl was gang raped by 20 men. Read that last sentence over again. And NOW, the morons at a certain New York newspaper (NYTimes- shame on your petty asses) and the amazingly giving people of Cleveland, are starting to blame the 11 year old for what happened. If you are offended by profanity- look away now.

What the FUCK is wrong with people? I mean seriously, is our society that ridiculously off track that a gang rape can happen to an 11 year old girl and we place blame on her? Really?! Really? Well, that is fucking stupid and I am going to tell you exactly who are the dumbest of the dumb in this situation. Fucking pieces of shit.

*Anyone in the town of Cleveland (the police, the prosecution, parents, nosy ass neighbors and bystanders) that actually believes that an 11 year old brought GANG rape on herself: You are fucking low cretins. You stupid backwoods bastards. I don't give a shit if that little girl is waving her hairless vagina in the face of every man she comes across- SHE IS A FUCKING CHILD. A child. And now, no matter what happened, what she said yes to, where the line was drawn... no matter what, that child is RUINED. Her childhood is OVER. Her life will NEVER be the same. And you stupid fucks push blame onto her?! She is NOT grown. She can NOT consent to anything. Hell, when I was 11, my parents still had say over what I wore out of the house. I couldn't make or grasp heavy decisions-- and she can't either. You fucking compassion less pricks. What if she was your child? Look around- some of us have 11 year daughters and sons. What if your kid- son or daughter- was gang raped by 20 individuals? Who would you blame? How would you feel if your kid was seen as "asking for it"? I don't give a good damn if she wore bra and panties and nothing else to school every day- she is the 6th grade. AND if she was attempting to act out sexually, that is a cry for help, not an act of begging crazy pedophiles to take advantage of her.

*Parents of Cleveland, Texas: I don't understand this. You live in a town of 9,000 people. How do you NOT know what your kid is doing? Small inkling? I grew up in Columbus, Ohio- way bigger than 9,000 people- and my parents ALWAYS knew what I was doing. You know why? Because people TOLD on my dumb ass. That's why. If they saw me doing something I wasn't supposed to, my neighbors called my parents... at work!!! Are you fucking kidding me that NO one knew that this baby was being dicked down by 20 men? (I keep saying men because these MEN were in high school and in their 20s. The oldest is 27... 27! (I fucking date 27 year olds.) There were a few middle schoolers but if you look at the mugshots- those are MEN that raped her). I fucking hate the kids in my neighborhood, but I know what the hell they are doing-- I watch their asses. I call the cops. Not one parent thought to call the police? Not one parent thought to call the parents of this BABY? What kind of fucking person are you?

*Activist that are screaming racism: Oh, Jesus, keep me near the cross. You are mad because all the MEN who gang raped this Latina girl are Black? You see that as some injustice? How about-- um, teach your fucking kids that raping women is wrong?! They tape recorded themselves DOING IT- that is how they fucking got caught. They provided the evidence that is going to put all their asses in jail. If all of them participated, does it bother me that all of those MEN are Black? Am I going to protest and say that they are being charged because they are Black? Um, hell NO. Keep your fucking dick out of little kids, you bastards. I would think the same if they were white, Asian, green, polka dotted, whatever. At what point do you STOP giving the excuse that bad behavior can be covered up by waving the race flag? Now, IF there were white assailants that had not been prosecuted, I would scream injustice, because I want every dick that hurt that child to pay for it. EVERYone. And if everyone of them happens to be Black, so be it. Fuck you bastards for being pedophiles, taking advantage of a disturbed baby, and feeding into the stereotype that Black men cannot control their sexual urges. You're all fucking disgraces and I hope you pay the highest cost the state of Texas can come up with. A towns person actually said "these boys have to live with this for the rest of their lives." Yeah, you stupid cunt, guess who else does? That BABY that they RAPED. And for all of you who are claiming that "she didn't look 11" you can kiss my ass-- the pink part, because that is some bullshit. In a town of 9,000 people, you know who is at the age of majority and who is not. Fucking slimy cocksuckers.

The Victim's Parents: WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?!?!?!?! You have a whole town, clowning your kid, saying that she dressed inappropriately and wore lots of makeup, didn't look her age... and had all this time on her hands? Where the fuck were you? If she acted like that in public, she probably acted out at home. You didn't have a say? You didn't see ANY warning signs? You were absolutely shocked when there were viral videos of your 11 year old daughter being molested and gang raped by 20 MEN?!?! Are you fucking blind?! I swear, people should need licenses in order to raise children.

The "Men": You fucking dirty,disgusting, lowdown mofos (the one curse word I DON'T say)... I have nothing but contempt for you. You ruined a community, your own fucking pointless lives and a little girl. It is because of men like you that I believe in the death penalty. It is because of men like you that your white backwoods counterparts still believe that Black people are the "n" word. It is because of men like you that I struggle every day to prove that I am NOT a stereotype. If I used the "n" word... that is what I would call you because you are blights on my race, a thorn in the side of anyone fighting the good fight for our people and a shit stain on society as a whole. I hope you all fucking rot in hell.

Lesson: hug and kiss your babies... because the world that surrounds them is like the Devil... walking to and fro, seeking who it can devour. SMH.

Just Breathe

I have joined the ranks of complainers. I am not talking about the occasional "Oh, why did this situation have to happen to me?" type complaining either. I am talking about "Can I pick up my life after this?" type complaining. The type of self questioning that is rare in Miss Mox's life. The kind that comes with an immense sadness about where some things are headed.

At first I thought, ok maybe it is just the change in weather. Here in what used to be sunny Chicago the seasons are definitely a-changing! Some night temps have dipped into the 40s, leaves are starting to fall, grass isn't really growing anymore (ok- that is a great thing, but you get the idea). But after some reflection I realize that it is not the colder temps. You know, not having a job, but looking- all the time- is hard to take. Getting rid of the few luxuries you have so you can stay afloat is hard. Being happy when life as you know is changing dramatically is really hard. And two days ago, I was tired of the 'hard'. There are only so many times I can tell myself that things are going to be ok and still continue to believe it. Sometimes I feel like there are only so many smiles I have left to give to someone who tells me that this is 'only temporary.' I don't want 'only temporary' I want an income... a stipend... hell, an allowance. Urgh! And before I start receiving crazy emails/comments- please, please, please do NOT complain to me about hating your job. You have a job and that is more than what me a few million other people can say. I mean, I understand that you might have to do some shit you don't want to do or that your boss is a jackass, or that you hate that you have to be there- I get it, we have all felt that way. But just know- staying at home ain't no walk in the park. Being exposed to a life without a salary is NOT fun... and trust me- unemployment benefits, while I am grateful for them, don't come CLOSE to the the salary I used to make. For those reasons, please know that someone will ring up those groceries in your place; someone will answer those phone calls; somebody will deal with your boss- with a smile on her face. You know why? Because someone is losing their house because they can't pay the mortgage. Someone is trying to figure out how they can keep all their utilities on; someone is trying to think of some creative ways to feed their family. It is not about retaining luxuries at this point, ladies and gentlemen. It is about being able to survive... food in your stomach, clothes on your back, roof over your head. Watch the news, look at those numbers- those are your neighbors suffering. Your extended family members, your friends. Those percentages aren't empty numbers... they represent people that you know- people you know well.

Also, I don't want to hear that there are jobs everywhere, because that horse shit is not true. I have a college degree, work experience and an MBA- and so do a million other unemployed people. How many times have I applied at grocery stores, gyms, dog walking services, etc. and been told that I am overqualified? Countless. So, before I get ANYMORE emails telling me that there are jobs available that privileged Americans just don't want to take- go screw yourself! I don't care what I have to do- cook (no one really wants that), clean, cashier, stock girl. College degree or not, I want to be self sufficient. I don't want to live off the system, I want to make my own way. I want to pay my own bills (good thing too, because they are mounting); I want to live a life where I don't have to contemplate moving back to Ohio, I don't have to think about living with a roommate, I don't have to make payment arrangements- on everything. I want to be able to pay the bills when they come in and enjoy the satisfaction of working a full day, coming home exhausted and getting up the next day to do the same damn thing, as a productive member of society.

SO, a couple days ago I was passenger number 1 on the "this is why my life sucks" train. I was listening to music (as usual) to get me out of my funk and this song came on. And the clouds parted, the sun came out and it all made sense... ok, nothing that dramatic, but I did feel better and was inspired to write this ode to my fellow unemployeds. Like the song says "if I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me- threatening the life it belongs to."

What I am learning throughout this whole journey of unemployment is patience- and I HATE it. You know I am a confident, driven person. I am used to seeing what I want, working hard and getting it. This delayed response in driving me up the freaking wall. But like this song says I need to just breathe. No amount of tears is going to make me find that ever elusive job (yeah- it used to be the ever elusive dream job, now getting a permanent, full time job is a dream). No amount of angry face is going to make this any better- and it doesn't make me feel better- in the long run. I am tired of being bitter betty. She sucks. So, like I have to remind myself every 2 months or so, onward and upward.

Key Lyrics:
*You can't jump the track; we're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table
*No one can find the Rewind button
*There's a light at each end of the tunnel, cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
*If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.