Weekend Life

 

Year 45, Day 1

 Starting off the year right, I think. Last week I had what could only be considered a "get your shit together" meeting with myself and decided a few things. Every New Year we all swear that we are going to be better, finally sit down and do that project we have been dragging our feet on, have better control of our finances, and (the big one) eat better/lose weight/work out more. And I do that every year on my birthday. Sincerely, I think I am the best procrastinator around. I know of three projects in my house, right now, that have been on my to do list for years. YEARS. 

Well, if ever there was a year to get my shit together, here it is. Forty-five. What better time to do something you have wanted/needed to do than right now? I think that it will help clear my cloudy ass mind, and if I am being totally honest, I could put the brain space to better use. One of the projects that I have decided needed to be resurrected this year is this... my blog. Life has come at us all exceedingly fast these last few years and I, like most of us, have gone with the flow, done what was absolutely necessary... and not much else. I have definitely gotten away from the simple joys in life- one of which is making time to type out my feelings and opinions for everyone to see and disagree with. 

I can't remember what movie it was but there was a scene when one of the characters said something along the lines of "if you wake up and want to write... you's a writer" and that is me. Every day I have little snippets of things I would write "if I only had time." Well, in year 45, I am making time. Every day, even if it is just before midnight (ahem) or if it is only three sentences. If I am able, I will write... decision number one. Not too shabby for an old lady, huh?

Soulful Saturday - Day Well Spent

You know what? Sometimes you need some time with friends to really remember what is important in this life. I'm not talking about acquaintances-- I am talking about friends who know your secrets and still love you; friends that will tell you "uh, you know you are wrong for that" when you need to hear it; friends that call your parents mom and dad; friends that love your baby like she is their baby. 

Sometimes your mind needs you to be in close proximity to folks who just GET YOU. So you don't feel like you are losing yourself in fear, or guilt, or any other emotion that is presently all encompassing. Sometimes only close friends can bring a smile to your face and help you forget- even for a short time- that life can be grating. 

These last 16 months or so has been an especially horrid time for most of us. We have lived through some awful shit (and some of us haven't made it through). We have seen each other on Zoom, at the grocery store scrounging for the last fruits and vegetables, at funerals and masked up from six feet away. We have been cocooned in our homes, away from some of our loved ones. Since I got vaccinated I have been able to see a few friends, in very controlled situations. I am glad to say that today I was able to meet up with some buddies of mine, in a park, and really just kick it. Don't get me wrong, we have a text thread that is well used, because they don't live here, but it was just so nice to see their faces. The weather cooperated (mostly) and we were able to just shoot the shit, gossip and laugh. Me? I got to pet ALL the dogs and run from ducks and geese... and escape my house for a few hours. Can only be described as pure joy. Pure joy. 

Lessons Learned the Hard Way, Part III

Happy (almost) Christmas. Here is the continuation of the "41 Golden Rules..." 

Lesson 21: Do something scary. Listen: I have moved (three times) to different cities where I had no family. And let me tell you something: I *made* that work. Nashville, Chicago and Lansing, Michigan. I made friends, I got jobs and I made a life. And I do not regret it for a moment. 

Lesson 22: Don't let fraternity boys take you out for your 21st birthday. Baby, just know that I am looking out for your best interests with this. And extra advice: if someone offers you a "three wisemen" shot, just say no and walk out that bitch. Your stomach lining will thank you... You are welcome. 

Lesson 23: Listen. Really listen. Do not offer advice. Do not respond. Just be there and listen. Somebody needs it. Trust me. 

Lesson 24: YOUR dreams should come first. Never doubt that-- you were given an idea FOR A REASON. Make those dreams a reality. 

Lesson 25: Send handwritten, sincere notes. Etiquette 101 never fails you. 

Lesson 26: People CAN change, but you can't MAKE them. Your best bet is to walk away before things get REALLY bad... and meet back up when that person regains their senses. 

Lesson 27: Be kind. Self explanatory.

Lesson 28: Don't overstay your welcome. On stage, at a sleepover or at a job.

Lesson 29: Your friends are not EXACTLY like you... and that is ok. 

Lesson 30: Do what you love... or (honestly) what you can stand at the moment. Life is not always going to be rosy. Sometimes you are going to hate your job. Sometimes you will want to punch your relatives. Don't do it. Maintain some positive energy because the one thing about them tables... they always turn. 

Last 11 coming up right before the New Year!  

Not Bothered On Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day, my lovelies. Today I plan on hanging with my little family (hubs has the day off) and hopefully squeezing in a nap next to my very active toddler. That is all I want... nothing extravagant, just some lunch and a nap. It is the simple things, my friends. It is the simple things. 

I know that this is a rough day for some folks and I kind of want to address that. When I was single, I had a group of friends who could lead a "fuck Valentine's Day" parade. One year we ordered in and watched the same show, while talking to each other on the phone. Another year we went out the night before Valentine's and celebrated singleness. We found some comfort at the bottom of several shot glasses. Good times. But during all of those single years there was only one year where I really felt BAD about being single. One year out of 40, not bad. How does one make it to spinsterhood without feeling extremely rejected by everyone? Oh, I am so glad you asked!! 

There are three reasons why Valentine's Day never brought out a hot, Black and depressed chick... 1. I have always had a Valentine (Papa Hot, Black and Bitter). 2. Single is not forever. 3. NO matter what station you are at in life, trust me... someone wants what you have. 

The first two reasons why I was unbothered on Valentine's Day as a single are pretty self explanatory, but that third one is a doozy. Rest assured that on your worst day there is someone who would pay good money to be where you are. If being single is the worst thing that is going on in your life-- you have it made in the shade (mostly because number 2 is so very true-- single is not forever). Let's use me as an example. I am super comfortable with where I am in life right now. Shit is good. Life, for me, has been good. So, that one year when I really was down in the dumps on Valentine's Day... there was someone who would have felt lucky to be in my shoes. I think that is the case for almost all of us. While some of us are lamenting our single status, someone in a loveless relationship is wishing for carefree single days. When someone is at their wit's end with a toddler (and trust me, those days are REAL), there is someone WISHING for sweet times with a sweet baby. When there is someone bored to tears in a marriage, there is someone  who is craving the comfort of your routine. 

What you are looking for is coming. The person you are looking for is coming. But until they get to you... go out with your friends, have a couple drinks, buy yourself flowers, have a girl's weekend. Get your ass out there and have some fun. Happy Valentine's Day. 

April Showers

Welcome to April, folks!! There is so much on deck for this month. We will be celebrating one whole year of parenthood-- and it seems like this year has flown by. In an effort to continue to write down all the feels/frustrations/celebrations/milestones that we will see or have seen, I have joined the A to Z challenge for the month of April. The rules are simple: Every day of the month (except the first 4 Sundays) is a letter in the alphabet, April 1st = A, April 3rd = B, etc. Because April starts on a Saturday, the last Sunday will be the Z entry. Twenty six letters, twenty six entries. Both blogs. Should be a lot of work... but also fun and exciting. I am going to HAVE to schedule most of these posts in advance because toddler life is unpredictable, but I am excited to write more-- even if that means missing out on some nap time. Hopefully all these posts will be up before 8 pm, but no promises on that because, again, toddler life is traumatic for the mama! So, stay tuned... I think we are going to get to know each other well. 

Fearless

I said a prayer for you last night. It was a selfish prayer. I asked God to give you more time; to not take you from me, from your wife, from your friends. I wanted some extra time to hear you laugh while telling me a story. I wanted another hug. I wanted you to see my big baby one more time. It was selfish. I wanted to make sure you got to stay here... because I don't want you leave us.

I recognize that I said the wrong prayer. I asked God to keep you here (for all of us), when I should have been asking him to spare you any more pain. I should have asked God to open up his arms and take you into Heaven on maize and blue colored clouds (just for you). I should have thanked him for all the years we have had with you so far-- those years when I saw you working with mom and dad. All those times that you told me that I could be anything I wanted-- even if I wanted to be bossy (thank you, ma'am). All the times you told your friends that they should read this blog. All the times you told me that I should quit whatever job I had and be a full time writer. I should have thanked God for our reconnection last year... and you meeting my baby (honey, WHO thought that would have ever happened!?) and my husband. I should have thanked God for allowing you to see mom and dad again; for our group prayer; for picking up RIGHT where we left off. 

My dearest Fran: you are the epitome of family. Let me tell you: blood couldn't make us any closer. You always met folks with a smile, a pat on the back, a hilarious story about some mishap. You showed me what it meant to be comfortable living your truth-- and you did just that. When necessary you never hesitated to call people by their correct name (like asshole... and I PROUDLY carry on that tradition). You are a building block in the life of this Hot, Black and Bitter woman. We go together like permed hair, acid washed jeans and the 1980s (you remember THOSE pictures?! Yikes). THANK YOU FOR LOVING US. I love you and I will forever be grateful that God put you in my life. 

Love and Happiness - Work Life, Home Life

I am officially unemployed. One of the hardest sentences I have ever typed. So, yeah. It has happened before-- in 2008 and 2009. Crap economy, working for two non-profit organizations, bound to happen. I was bummed. Laid off, new(er) mortgage in a less than desirable Chicago neighborhood, wondering what the hell I was going to do with my crazy life. I was scared. I worked temp jobs- two and three at a time- had some help from family and friends, lived off my savings and got unemployment when I could. Hard times.

This time is not that. On Friday, March 13 I put in my two week notice to leave my job. My cousin had just passed away, I was going through it... doing some self examination and you know what?  I wasn't happy. I mean, listen, a job is a job and all days won't be fantastic-- we all know that. But when I thought about where I spent the vast majority of my time, what I was doing every day, what kept me away from my family, I just didn't want it to be what I was doing. The company is ok, I have no (abnormal) complaints about my co-workers, the management mirrors most management... The issue was me. My heart wasn't in it and I dreaded going-- every day, not just Monday. And when you are reminded-- clearly reminded-- about the extreme brevity of life, why would you continue to do something that doesn't make you happy?

So I had a talk with Lefty and we decided that the best option was for me to leave. Now, I am not saying that the option I chose is the best option for everyone. In fact, some of my co-workers seemed really upset that I was leaving a steady paycheck to "sit at home and depend on my husband." Couple things-- 1. that is not what is going on here BUT 2. if it WAS... Y'all already know what I am going to type: what happens in my house is my business. A steady paycheck is not the end all be all, especially  in my situation. Too many of us are out here selling our souls and our happiness for a paycheck from someone else-- some out of necessity, some out of greed. If I can be fulfilled AND paid, I am going to take that option-- and firmly believe that others should too.

I am EXTREMELY blessed to have this option and so grateful to Lefty for being completely supportive in this unorthodox decision. Not many men, in today's economic climate, CAN or WANT to have less income coming in on a regular basis-- even if the happiness of their spouse is in question.   So, thank you, my darling. Here is to the next step in our household... let's see what trouble we can get into! :) Look out, Columbus... Miss Mox has broken free!

Gather Ye Rosebuds

Every year, on this anniversary, I want to write something profound. Something that makes people feel sad but gives them life, too. Something that makes people remember AND gives them motivation. Something that celebrates the lives lost and something that leads the people that remain to live life to the absolute fullest.

I have yet to find a way to do that... So I have found some videos to do it. First one-- from Dead Poet's Society-- is a great snippet. A reminder that you should do whatever you can to make the life that you live the most extraordinary piece of art that you can put together.




For the lives that we lost before September 11, 2001, on that fateful day, and after, we will always remember you. You are always in our hearts and on our minds... and we are here to continue your dreams, keeping you alive through our good works. People, tell your loved ones how you feel about them. Lay it out for the people in your lives. You never know when it will be the last time.


**Lyrics**
Sorry, I've never told you, all I wanted to say

And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feelin' and knowing you, hear me
It keeps me alive, alive

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Eventually I'll see you in Heaven

Darling, I never showed you

Assumed you'd always be there
I, I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day one sweet day

Picture a little scene from Heaven

Although, the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Yeah, Lord, I know, when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

Sorry, I never told you
All I wanted to say

Diary of a Fat Girl

With my brothers getting ready to graduate from high school and all the other stuff going on around these parts, I have had a little time to look through photos and reflect on my high school/college years. Lefty and I were at Momma Hot, Black and Bitter's house a few weeks ago and we found most of my college acceptance letters. I headed home and started to look through pictures, walking down a mental memory lane. I came across pictures that I have not seen in years, and saw a ME I have not seen in years. Want to know my conclusion?

I'm FAT, y'all!!

I looked at a couple pics and this was me…

 

Now, don't start sending me emails… I do NOT have any body image issues. Honestly, I like my body MORE now than I did when I was in college. I was VERY thin in college… and I don't think that was the healthiest look for me either. So, what makes me think I am fat? Well, for one thing, I am short…compact…fun-sized. Whatever you want to call it, I am close to the ground. Close to the ground means that an increase of numbers on the scale is not too fabulous. Those pounds run out of places to go, clothes start to get tight, pictures look very different, for lack of a better term. And I look different. 

Some people will HATE this post, because most people who have had weight problems want to be the size that I am right now. Fortunately for me, the largest size in my closet is an 8, but trust me, sizes are all relative. If you are 5'10" and a size 8, you do not look very similar to a person who is 4"11" and a size 8. Actually, I don't want to lose much weight, but I can see the slippery slope, my friends. I refuse to get pants bigger than an 8. I refuse to be "chubby"; I refuse to conveniently forget what a size 4 looks/feels like.

So, today - April 1, 2014, I am signing up for my first triathlon. It will be a mini, and it is taking place the weekend of Lefty's birthday, in the suburb I currently work in. Also, I have already signed up for a half marathon at the end of this month. I will definitely be using the walk/run method during these 13.1 miles, but I am going to finish, even if I have to walk the whole thing. I will do at least three races this season. Now I just have to figure out what kind of fundraising I will do before these races. Either way, darlings… wish me some luck. Pray that I will tone up and not have to buy bigger pants! :)

October Recap; New November

Things have been a bit nutso lately. A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends had a death in the family. I am not sure if it is my age or the fact that I have been to more funerals in the past two years than I have in my whole life, but I have not bounced back from the funeral. So there is that, an insane work schedule, I just had a birthday and did my yearly life plan. In other words, the days have been screaming by and I need more sleep. In my new year life plan - kind of like everyone else's resolutions, but I do it around my birthday and I try to actually pick things that I can complete - I have decided that things are going to be a bit different. Maybe it was the funeral. Maybe it is my work schedule, my dissatisfaction with what I am doing, my slightly non-existent social life, or maybe it is all of it combined, but I am in a rut and I have GOT to escape. I looked around and discovered that I don't really do the things I LOVE anymore. I do what I HAVE to do, but nothing that feeds the soul, if that makes sense.

I am not generally excited about going to work every day, the thought of not seeing my dogs for long periods of times, coming home to eat dinner, shower and sleep. It is no fun. I miss having fun... and fun is necessary, SO dammit, I am going to have some fun.

I have already written that I am going to run the marathon next year (SO NOT FUN), but here is the fun part, I am going to use the race to fund raise for a cause that is near and dear to my heart. In fact, every race that I run for the next year will have a fundraising component to it. Either my entry fee will be used for a needed program or I will personally fund raise and give the money to a designated charity. The race that I ran on October 29 (again, not so fun-- the running part) had an entry fee that went to after school programs in a needy Chicago neighborhood (Pilsen). I have included some pics of the racers and the neighborhood-- it was actually a great time (just not the running part!) The neighborhood is close knit and full of great people, colorful murals and the BEST smelling food ever!! Yum!

I am going to learn to conversationally speak a different language (and not just curse words-- my mother would be proud.) I am going to get this crazy work/sleep schedule under control, and I am going to pick my camera up again and get back to capturing life one lovely picture at a time. Clearly, all of these life changes will mean changes to the blog... we'll see how that all works out. If the last few weeks have taught me anything, it is to live life to the fullest and do things you love-- you never know when you won't be able to do what you want...Right?

What is on your to do list?

A Decade of Sorrow

Today is September 11. This date is etched in the minds of all Americans old enough to realize that the life we had a decade ago will never resurface in the same way again. I've written about the sorrow and the pain that we all undoubtedly felt as we watched the twin towers crumble, along with our faith in mankind a decade ago. I've written about my feelings, what I was doing, and that fact that I, like most of my peers, will never forget exactly what I was doing on that fateful day. As I watched a morning full of tribute shows, interviews with military strategists, family members of those who perished and children who were born on the now most infamous day in recent American history, I knew that this year's September 11 post would be different.

This year, I am still sad... of course. I am still praying for the family members that were left to put the pieces back together. I still feel pain when I see the accident site in Pennsylvania, when I look at the memorials at the Pentagon and Ground Zero. A decade later, it is still upsetting to see the playback of smoke billowing from both towers, faces covered in ash, people running for their lives down the streets of New York City, photos of posters of family members that would never be seen again. Even a toughy like me has problems processing that kind of hurt. But, my question this year is: we know what happened a decade ago... what have you done in the last decade?

So many times we allow years to just fly by. We graduate from college, get jobs and get stuck in a routine. A routine where we breathe but don't live. Do you know what I mean? We do responsible things like pay bills, go to work, etc. Those things are necessary and commendable but don't always allow for us to be passionate. Don't allow for us to make spur of the moment plans, or do what we really love- even if it is just on the weekends. Routines allow for us to stay in positions that may be stifling (read: jobs, relationships, etc.) That should change!

I don't know why someone would have enough hate in their lives to orchestrate something like those terrorist attacks. I am not sure what would ever motivate a person to commit suicide in order to punish/kill people that they don't even know. I don't know why anyone would feel the need to kill someone that has never done wrong to them. The one thing that I do know from September 11, 2001 is that you never know what could happen. You never know when your end is coming. So you should live the best life you can every day. You like photography? Take some classes, or get outside and take pictures. You want to travel-- do it! You want to go back to school? Do that. Love with all your heart; say everything that you really believe; tell all the people that you love how you feel-- not just on birthdays, or anniversaries-- every day. We should all have a sense of urgency. Life is so short and we should do everything that we are passionate about before our candles of life are blown out. Live the dreams that you have. Love people. Do not become complacent-- we are all here for a reason, therefore, we all have work to do. Get after it.

Moment of Silence

The President has asked all Americans to join him in a moment of silence tomorrow morning. All flags will be flying at half staff, and we will reflect and remember those who lost their lives in the ridiculously awful and unnecessary shooting in Arizona yesterday. Please see below for the details and please join in tomorrow to honor your fallen countrymen.
Love your neighbors, hugs and kiss your family and love yourself. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us.



The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release January 09, 2011 President Obama Calls for Moment of Silence for Victims of Shooting in Tucson, Arizona

“Tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. eastern standard time, I call on Americans to observe a moment of silence to honor the innocent victims of the senseless tragedy in Tucson, Arizona, including those still fighting for their lives. It will be a time for us to come together as a nation in prayer or reflection, keeping the victims and their families closely at heart.”

The President will observe the moment of silence with White House staff on the South Lawn. The moment of silence will be pooled press.

Today, the President has signed a proclamation calling for flags to be flown at half-staff.

Also, the planned trip by the President to Schenectady, New York, on Tuesday, January 11, to the General Electric energy division is postponed. The trip is expected to be rescheduled.

Me and My Ego :)

Take this for what it is... the truth! :)

I have questioned myself in the past and I am sure that I will do so again, but at the end of the day- I am comfortable in my own skin. This skin I wear every day is flawed. It hasn't been perfect for some time, and I am more than ok with that. I have scars from sports; life; love. I breathe in the mistakes that I made and I live with them every day. I look back on the life I have had thus far and there are just a few things that I mildly regret and there is nothing that I would change. I truly love who I am, who I have become because of heartaches/life lessons/missteps. I cherish each muscle, every scratch, every dimple (where did those come from?), gray hair (yep they are here), even every piece of evidence of overindulgence (most of that is located in my midsection).

I am truthful with myself, for the most part. I know what I offer and the weaknesses that no one else knows about, keep me company at night. I know where I should have given up and where I should have pressed the envelope just a BIT more. I am content with my all or nothing state of mind. I give and love with all that I have and have walked away brokenhearted many times. I have picked myself up more times than anyone knows. Battered and broken, I keep getting up. I keep looking life in the face and fighting like hell... isn't that what it is all about? Fighting the good fight every day? Living a life so full that you almost *burst*? Learning from mistakes and coming back a second, third, however many times, even more determined? I have met some people who have given up. They have lost. I refuse to lose. I was born to conquer. Conquer life and make it mine. And I will. I am.

I am fully aware how I come off to some people and mostly those thoughts make me shrug my shoulders- because I don't care. As Beyonce says "You can leave with me or you can have the blues. Some call it arrogant, I call it confident. You decide when you find out what I'm working with." I know what I am am working with- and while I can improve, like everyone else, I have a ton to offer. Self doubt is fleeting in this head of mine. This big smile, with a few missing teeth, is a fixture on my caramel colored face. I know that this sometimes scattered mind, with the help of these soft, often lotioned hands and short muscular legs, will lead me where I am supposed to go. Oh, this flawed body of mine is going to make it! This heart, my heart, will be broken again. It will get stepped on. Sometimes the blood that it pumps will be sad, or lazy, or unemployed- but it will keep pumping, and I will keep moving, breathing, learning, functioning...living.

Sometimes I want to be at my final destination right NOW. I want the place that I see in my head (the place where I am the boss and get what I want- HA) right now... but I know that when everything falls in line I will get there. I have visions of blue skies, not a cloud in sight, sunshine, angels singing, me on a throne... oh, wait- damn that ego strikes again. LOL

The point of this entry is: I am going places. I am a sight to see, a woman to fear/admire/bribe/love... a force to be reckoned with. Often times too strong, too much, too tough. I talk like this 'cause I can back it up! ;)

Happy Friday.

On this day of remembrance

As I think back to this date seven years ago, I can see very clearly where I was and what I was doing. When the events of September 11, 2001 began to unfold, I was sitting on my very small couch (loveseat) in my very small living room, in my very small rented house in Lansing, Michigan. September 11, 2001 was the beginning of my second week of law school. I woke up early that morning to look over my Property I homework (because if you have ever taken a property course you know that once is never enough). I turned on the TV for background noise and an hour later it happened.



Words cannot express the feelings that ran through my body that day. The panic stricken phone calls to my parent's house; the calls to my friends; the excessive news watching. I have never seen something like that before. In every movie you could ever find the depiction of NYC and its inhabitants is always the same: the city never sleeps, it will eat you alive, so will the people... To look up and see those people running in the street and crying; firefighters and police running into buildings; people hugging in the street or trekking across the Brooklyn Bridge... that sticks with you. That stuck with me. The aftermath of posters of missing people and searches sticks with me also. September 11th will never (should never) leave out consciousness. We should never forget that we are susceptible. We should never forget those we lost. We should never forget the bravery that was shown on that day and the weeks and months to follow. We should never confuse things that are happening now- most notably the war- with the things that happened on that day. On that day we all grew up a bit; there was a feeling lost that morning that we will never get back.



I remember so clearly on September 12, 2001 there was a news anchor reporting on the happenings of the day before. He said that September 11th was going to be written into history and on our minds like Pearl Harbor and the assiassination of JFK. We would always be able to look back and remember what we were doing and how our lives were affected by this terrorism. He was right. With that said, I am going to enjoy this pleasant fall day. I am going to call my parents and tell them I love them. I am going to go home and bake treats for my dogs and give them extra hugs and kisses, because as Horace says "Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think." It is later than you think.