Fearless

I said a prayer for you last night. It was a selfish prayer. I asked God to give you more time; to not take you from me, from your wife, from your friends. I wanted some extra time to hear you laugh while telling me a story. I wanted another hug. I wanted you to see my big baby one more time. It was selfish. I wanted to make sure you got to stay here... because I don't want you leave us.

I recognize that I said the wrong prayer. I asked God to keep you here (for all of us), when I should have been asking him to spare you any more pain. I should have asked God to open up his arms and take you into Heaven on maize and blue colored clouds (just for you). I should have thanked him for all the years we have had with you so far-- those years when I saw you working with mom and dad. All those times that you told me that I could be anything I wanted-- even if I wanted to be bossy (thank you, ma'am). All the times you told your friends that they should read this blog. All the times you told me that I should quit whatever job I had and be a full time writer. I should have thanked God for our reconnection last year... and you meeting my baby (honey, WHO thought that would have ever happened!?) and my husband. I should have thanked God for allowing you to see mom and dad again; for our group prayer; for picking up RIGHT where we left off. 

My dearest Fran: you are the epitome of family. Let me tell you: blood couldn't make us any closer. You always met folks with a smile, a pat on the back, a hilarious story about some mishap. You showed me what it meant to be comfortable living your truth-- and you did just that. When necessary you never hesitated to call people by their correct name (like asshole... and I PROUDLY carry on that tradition). You are a building block in the life of this Hot, Black and Bitter woman. We go together like permed hair, acid washed jeans and the 1980s (you remember THOSE pictures?! Yikes). THANK YOU FOR LOVING US. I love you and I will forever be grateful that God put you in my life. 

That Just Happened?!

So, we all know that i have moved back to my hometown. The streets sometimes look a little different, but mostly things are the same as they were 16 years ago-- people included. Let me type what happened last night after I got off work... when I was traumatized.

I work second shift and if I don't stop for food after work my stomach starts to eat itself while I am sleeping. Ok, that is slightly dramatic, but suffice it to say, I am starving after work. There is a Subway, not that far from my house, that is open 24 hours. I pull up in the parking lot and see someone that looks vaguely familiar. It is after 1 in the morning so I am super hesitant to say anything, but hey... I'm me, so I call out his name (which I will NOT post... BECAUSE he is a relative. Not like a first cousin or someone I have to see at reunions BUT a freaking relative nonetheless). Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Hey, it has been so long since I have seen you! How are things?

Him: Good! Look at you, looking all good.

Me: (taken aback... mostly because I am still wearing my work uniform) Thanks.

Him: So, are you involved or what?

Me: (taken further aback because we are RELATED). Yes, I am involved. You never know, I might get married some day. Hahahahaha. (that would be laughing away awkwardness).

Him: Oh yeah? I'm getting married in April.

At this point, y'all, I had to leave the conversation. He commented again, twice actually, how I was "looking real good"... I said my goodbyes and exited stage left. Seriously?! As a RELATIVE, did you just hit on me? Then tell me you are getting married in 5 months? Did that really happen? I'm not ready for this crazy shit. Traumatized.