Tuesday, November 03, 2009

This short thing we call life

The secondary title of this blog is a quote from the Roman poet Horace. I don't think that people actually notice it that often. This is my blog and I hardly read it when I am posting things... or looking at my blog from someone else's computer. He is said to have coined the phrase "Nunc est bibendum" (Now we must drink)... and at this point in this blog entry, I should come clean and say that tonight, I have taken that phrase to heart! There has been some drinking, ok more than just SOME, on my part, so this entry may be a tad sappier than the reading audience is used to. You have been warned! :)

Horace, it seems, was a very insightful man. The quote "A word once uttered can never be recalled" is also attributed to him. I think that is very true, so this entry, while truthful and revealing, will be as tempered as a drunken blog can be. With that said- here we go!

I think that people can tell from the musical selections that I have posted lately (especially the Heather Headley song) that I have recently gone through some heartache. Heartbreak is never cool but it is especially hurtful if it is handled badly. While engaged in a recent discussion, I said, by the age of 30 everyone has a love sob story. We have all been hurt. If the relationship ended up the way we wanted we would all be married and tripping the life fantastic, right? I firmly believe that life is not about the situations that are handed to us, rather how we handle them; what you learn from them. I just got my heart broken- I am talking million pieces broken. Spent a couple days in bed, crying, listening to super slow jams (think Toni Braxton, Whitney Houston and Luther Vandross), watching chick flicks and probably consuming too many calories, cursing him and wondering why things had to end the way the way they did. How could he blame me for hurt suffered in the past? Why couldn't he see that I was different? How the hell could he be so rude to me? It goes on and on... Finally, I had to snap out of that, so I had a couple drinks and here I am! :) I am still sad... listening to my own slow jams mix on ITunes, drinking beer and giving myself a pep talk. But you know what? Even after all of that, I would lay my heart on the line again and THAT is what separates me and him. He looks back and sees all the pain that he has had to go through in life and love and wants to avoid it at all costs; I look back and know that sometimes love sucks the blood from your body, there are times when your heart hurts so much that you think it will stop beating, that you will never be able to go through this crazy thing called love again or like you could stay in bed for the rest of your life.... eating raisinettes and drinking soda wearing some flannel pjs (oh wait, that was me!)

Love IS like that. It can be rough... and God knows, we have all been there. Like Lemon said in "Love Poem" (see September 2 entry) "I'd rather catch an ass whooping, then get my heart broken." I would venture to say that everyone over the age of 21 has experienced something that looked like what I just went through. BUT love can be so rewarding. It has the ability to make you smile when nothing else is going right. That person can walk into the room and you are left ~breathless~. Love can make you think you are living your own version of The Notebook. It can make you reconsider your living situation, having children, or any other life plans. It can make you hum Luther Vandross lyrics in the elevator ride up to the office. When you are in love, life (and everything that comes with it) can be bearable... See there is that sappy stuff! :)

So, if love can be all those terrible things, why would I put my heart on the line again? Why would I set myself up for the possibility of getting hurt again? Because life is too short to be afraid of the next step. If nothing else, this year illustrates this better than any in recent history. My best friend lost the love of her life, I lost my job, and this year marks the tenth anniversary of my grandmother's passing- last month actually, 2 days before my birthday. Life is short people!! There is no guarantee for tomorrow. Zero. For that reason, I am putting it all on the table. Emotions, scarred heart and all. I am not trying to get married tomorrow, or in six months, or anytime soon, BUT if I like someone, I am going to say it. If I love someone I am going to tell them, even if he steps on my already broken, busted heart with the 100 band aids on it.... he will just have to be the 101st band aid. I am not afraid to say I love you, if those are the feelings that I have. That person may not be around tomorrow to hear it. I wish I could tell my grandmother one more time that I love her and she gave me one of the best examples of how to live a full life. I wish every day that I had an extra weekend with her to absorb some of that wisdom, to make her laugh again, to complain to her about how the world is going awry. Even my latest heartbreak- he has the best laugh I have ever heard- it is deep and hearty... genuine. I wish I could hear it again; wish I could see those beautiful eyes once again; feel another one of those tight hugs; have him push hair out of my eyes again, wake up next to his humongous dog again, or watch him fix dinner while I sit on a bar stool at his house and we share the happenings of our respective days. See, it sucks now because the end was horrible. This feisty girl put up with a lot more than usual, but I am going to make a choice. I choose to remind myself that he is scared, and I will not do or say things to hurt him like he has been hurt before. I choose to remember that we had a blast when we were together, that despite his latest fiasco (which was PLENTY awful) he sincerely is one of the nicest men I have met in a while (even if he does nice things secretly!) and I choose to remember that there are reasons why I love him.

He can not be the reason that I am mean to another guy- the only person that is suffering in that scenario is me... well, and the other guy. Some chick took the love that he offered up and took advantage of it, thoughtlessly throwing it aside like it didn't matter. For that- I don't have a cure, as hard as I might try, and OH-- I wanted to try. I wanted to make all that hurt go away. If I could have taken some of it as my own personal burden, I would have... but I couldn't. Someone used and abused his heart. While that is unfortunate, he is choosing to let that dictate the rest of his life. He won't take a chance... he is limiting his love experience, not allowing for the possibility of all the great things that can come from a good relationship. For that, I pity him.

Does it suck... um, yeah. Do I wish that there was a way for him to see the error of his ways, yep and maybe he will. Will this latest heartbreak keep me down? Absolutely not. It will take me a while, but this (self proclaimed) cute face will smile again, I will go a couple days without wanting to call him (hopefully), and I will slap one more band aid on this broken, bleeding heart of mine, shake the dust off and get out there again. I will not hide out in my flannel pjs for another weekend... Life is short, my friends. So, in the words of Horace: Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think.

Miss Mox


Anonymous said...

Well... be encouraged. I know all about heartbreak (experienced it with two different women, plus when three of the closest people to me died, those were also heartbreaking experiences). But, I just remember that God will never break my heart, and that has given me strength to move on and to keep hope. You have hope, which is why you're able to continue to put your heart on the line, and that's definitely better than not opening yourself up to the possibilities.

Miss Mox said...

Being encouraged is hard!! When something great happens, I want to call him and tell him everything. And when something bad happens, I want to call him for some comfort. It is insane. But I have done well. He is probably tripping the life fantastic, not giving a second thought to the situation, and I... I am trying to get there. It is a slow ride, my friend. A slow ride. *sigh*

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