Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The At Home Chronicles - Bugs and Karate

I have gotten back from some traveling and things around the house are starting to get on schedule. Lefty still works second shift and I (generally) still wake up early in the morning. You know, let the dogs out, drink coffee, watch the news... Drink coffee. All the important stuff. Last week Momma Hot, Black and Bitter and I started going to the gym after she drops the kiddos off at school, which kind of cements my morning routine. I get up, get myself together and meet her for a workout and by the time I get home, Lefty is awake.

The was the plan today as well, but NOOOO. Today, I was traumatized. I got up, let two of the three pups out and headed to the kitchen to get that oh so great caffeine drip going. I made tea last night, to lull my crazy ass to sleep, and was getting ready to pour out the remaining water in the carafe. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus, that my eyes were open and I was not just on autopilot this morning!! Got the lid off the carafe and started to pour the hot water in the sink (yep, the water was still hot... Cuisinart is AWESOME) when all of a sudden I see something move in the sink.

Oh, is this how today was gonna start?!?! Oh, I see. Y'all, I wasn't ready.

I look down and there was a centipede STARING at me. From my own fucking sink. Y'all this little disrespectful bastard was taunting me-- with all of his little appendages. G-R-O-S-S. And when I say that I freaked THEE fuck out, it is no exaggeration. I freaked out. Listen-- I got half my workout before I ever left for the Y. I did the windmill, like that centipede was trying to fight me. Keep in mind that I still had the carafe in my hand, half empty. Soooo, imagine my crazy ass, in my kitchen, doing my best "wax on, wax off" impression with a coffee carafe in my right hand. Needless to say, the floor was wet, I had to change my t-shirt and that stupid centipede was nowhere to be found. Not that I was looking for him!

Oh, and I move in silence. I couldn't scream because Lefty was still sleeping after a late night at work. So my Karate Kid imitation was done in silence, in my dark kitchen. Slick moves, death of the opponent, in the dark and I am Black... I think that means I am a ninja.

I bounced back - kinda. I had a coffee, went to the gym, came back to make lunch for Lefty before he went to work. I told Lefty all about my silent adventure and had him look for the centipede... he found him!! Ack!! Apparently my ninja moves worked!! The centipede drowned. Victory! I hope that his little carcass will serve as a reminder for his little centipede buddies to stay outside where they belong. We are NOT playing around in this house!

This stay at home shit is no joke. For real.


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