Sunday, July 19, 2015

Wee Hours - Summer Heat, Yard Work and Baby Showers

Ahh, the wee hours of the morning. I do not normally greet them with enthusiasm, but here I am this morning, trying to silently sip coffee while my households sleeps. And snores. They sleep and snore, even the smallest dog. A pack of snorers.

Like I said, normally I would be fast asleep at 6:26 am. Wrapped up in my blanket like a little burrito, dreaming about the adventures of the upcoming day. Ok, having a nightmare about the long to-do list that I have to conquer. Dreaming about a very large cup of coffee; wishing that I could spend the day watching bad Lifetime movies and eating cake. Cake with no calories. What can I say? I dream like a champion. But here I am, wide eyed, getting a caffeine fix, listening (over the sound of snoring-- seriously, it could be an Olympic event in this house) to the cast of CSI trying to solve a murder in an hour.

Yard Work

Why, you ask? Why am I awake as the freaking sun is coming up, sitting on my bedroom floor, typing remarkably (freakishly) quiet? Easy, I was out in the elements yesterday. Listen, summer is confused as hell here in Columbus, Ohio. We went from rain every day to 90 degrees and 100% humidity. From floods to oppressive heat. From dreary to hot like hell. My air conditioner is confused. My garden is confused. Shit, I am confused. Yesterday, I must have woke up feeling invincible. My inner Billy Bad Ass was in full effect because I KNEW it was going to be hot and I still was in my "Oh, I have shit that HAS to get done" mode. Outside shit. Girl, what? Lefty had a man-date with my dad to work on one of his cars and I had PLENTY to get done IN the house, but decided to be "helpful." Lefty woke up early (for him) and was out the door by 10:40-- it was already 80 degrees out.  Before he went over to mom and dad's, Lefty told me he had some outside work to do when he got back. I knew that a heat advisory was going into effect at noon, so guess what I did? Mowed the grass. Well, in the front yard... then I cleaned up stray grass with the weed wacker. Um, so, I won't be doing that shit again. Generally Lefty does yard work. Until yesterday, I had never even started a gas powered mower. Until yesterday I hadn't noticed that our front yard was hilly. As hilly as San Francisco. I am totally counting that shit as a workout.

Baby Shower

Wait-- I wasn't done being Wonder Woman. I packed up some downspout extenders and took them to my aunt's house, stood around and shot the shit for an hour, in the sun (she was also doing yard work). Came home, fell on the bed, declared that whoever thought up air conditioning was a giant amongst men, showered and got ready to leave for my cousin's baby shower. Got in the car and headed to Target for a gift. My thought process was that I didn't need to turn on the air in the car-- I mean I rarely use it and I live relatively close to Target and the venue for the shower, so I would be ok, right? Um, that was the dumbest thought I have had in my entire life. I had on a sun dress and by the time I made it to Target I felt like I was swimming in my own sweat. It was gross. Also, I should have taken someone who has children with me, because I don't know shit about babies. I called Momma Hot, Black and Bitter from the pet aisle. Because I didn't know where the baby aisle was. It only got worse from that point on. I finally decided on two different sizes of diapers and some wipes and headed for the door.

Still no air on in the car (what the hell was I thinking?); got lost at the venue. This was turning into a preview of heathen hell. If I spontaneously burst into flames I would have only been a few degrees hotter than I was in the car. Finally got to the baby shower... was there for 8 minutes. Yeah, I am not exaggerating. Eight minutes. My cousin was super cute-- her little belly was adorable-- but when I walked in I gave her my Target purchases and told her I wasn't going to be there long. My reason? Uh, I'm fat and it was hot under that wig. Yo, I keep it 100.

I made my rounds... had a whole conversation about how ridiculously helpless I was in the baby aisle at the store, hugged my cousin and headed the hell up outta there. Made it home, again sent blessings to whoever invented air conditioning (I should really find out who that was), took off my clothes and proceeded to take a nap. A heat induced coma nap. And I slept for 5 hours. And I don't regret it for a moment. Nap time is the best time.

Oh, if anyone is wondering, I am not leaving this house today. Happy Sunday.


Someone Critique said...

This was an evening event, so the setting was nice, warm and welcoming. The floors at halls in Los Angeles were dark wood with iron chandeliers above, leather club chairs and benches.

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