More Precious than Rubies...

I know that it is Mother's Day so everyone is getting ready to go to church, or brunch, or is on every social networking site imaginable, claiming that their mom is the best mom that has ever lived. Well, I'm totally not going to church today. Why? Because I don't want to sit next to you and your mom, plus I hate how super OVERcrowded Mother's Day is. I get that she wants you to go, but really, I don't want to sit behind you while you are trying to flip through the Bible, looking for the scripture that was just announced- brush up on the books before you get there (hello, table of contents!) I may go to brunch, if I can get out of the house and to the restaurant by 6AM. Why so early? Uh, because if I go at normal people time, normal people will be there, that includes you and your misbehaving, bad ass kids and I do NOT want to sit next to y'all! As far as claiming that my mom is the best-- :) She totally is, and if you read this, you'll understand why.

So- I don't write about Momma Hot, Black and Bitter very often. It isn't because she isn't fascinating, worthy or exciting. She is all those things. I don't write about her often because 1. people like Momma HBB should not be reading my blog, 2. as great as my descriptions are, I really don't think I would do her justice and 3. anytime I try to write about her, I always get stuck on what to write about, where to start, etc.

1. People like Momma HBB shouldn't read my blog: Yeah, in case you hadn't noticed... I am a total heathen. For having grown up in a part of the Bible Belt, I have one of the dirtiest mouths this side of the Mississippi. I am always puzzled as to what to say next when someone asks me "do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Um, why yes I do, thank you for asking... (I think I am leaning towards this as an answer: "Yes, I kiss my mother with this mouth... and your dad likes it too") See what I'm saying? Probably should not relay stories of my sainted mother while dropping "f" bombs, calling people morons or complaining about my bastard neighbors. I mean, where would I fit in "I love my mommy"? In a Fed Up Friday entry, or while describing Donald Trump as a douchebag? I think not. The fact is: Momma HBB is too classy a lady to be a regular subject of my writings.

2. My descriptions wouldn't do her justice: You know when you come across something magical, but you JUST can't put that magic into words to be comprehended by the masses? That is how I am when I talk about my mom. I call her my favorite girl- she is. With all the words in the English language, I cannot string together an all encompassing description that would paint the picture of what my mom means to me. I've tried. It is impossible. So, when people ask about her I say three things: we look just alike, she is my favorite girl and I want to grow up and be just like her (minus all the children and the heathen oldest daughter!) Other than that- her magic cannot be accurately described. Oh, I'll try a little further down, but no matter how flowery the words are, they will not be able to put all that Momma HBB gives or possesses into a neat little package for everyone to understand.

3. I don't know where to start: whenever someone is telling me a story and they say "I just don't know where to start" my go to comeback is "start at the beginning" (because I'm a smart ass- duh!) but when it comes to my mom, that is easier said than done. Let's see: the beginning, ok. My mom is a genius- granted, I think I am a brainiac, but mom? She graduated high school at 16. Me? 18. She is beautiful- and I am SO very lucky that we look so much alike, because I know exactly what I will look like when I am her age (thank the Lord!!) She is more compassionate than I'll ever be, definitely more patient, more fabulous with kids, WAY better in the kitchen, more understanding... she is just MORE.

I am not leaving a clear picture of my mom in this entry... I'll try again. Momma Hot, Black and Bitter is a wife, a listener, a disciplinarian, a hard worker, a go-between, skilled in chaotic organization, she knows everyone's birthday and middle name (and in our family- that is ALOT), a sweetheart, a fighter for her family (example- I know I'm a heathen and she might know it too, but I dare you to tell my momma that I am-- she will get you!), the BEST example of what a mom is supposed to be, considerate, care taker, boo boo kisser, a teacher, diaper changer (you read that right-- my youngest brother is still in diapers), comforter, a handy woman, potty trainer, doctor appointment maker and keeper, snuggler, dog wrangler, kid chaser, language master (she can understand the little kids better than anyone I know), human thermometer, the best JoJo, consummate host (eat your heart out Martha Stewart), cuddler, laundry expert, a taxi driver, medicine dispenser, cleaner, advice giver, humble, a cooker (and a feeder), bandage expert, the person you want praying for you, a balancer of crazy. She puts up with crying... from me... over the phone (enough said!) She never gets a day off. She has a smile that will brighten up the darkest room, a voice that sings "You are My Sunshine" better than any other person on the Earth, she loves surprises and decorating for Christmas (mom- the neighbors do NOT know that you compete against them every year with your Christmas decorations...). She appreciates effort, loves clean babies, good report cards, kids fresh from the shower (properly greased!), and me- she loves me! And I love her back. :) She. Is. Perfect... and she is all mine. Well, I do share her with a bunch of kids and dad, but you get the idea. I am so glad that we belong to each other and I hope that one day I can pay her back for all her hard work, by being the most wonderful Hot, Black and Bitter I can be!

Happy Mother's Day to my favorite girl! I love you!!