Thursday, April 22, 2010

Successful Black Women and Marriage. Is it possible?

I am 30-something. I am Black...and up until two years ago, I could have been considered slightly successful. :) Do those three things ensure that I will remain single? After watching this lovely Nightline special, it seems that the answer to that question is yes.

What is the reason that all these successful Black women will remain single in such high numbers (there is an estimate that says as many as 70% of educated Black women will remain unmarried)? I argue that there is more than one reason. Some classics that I have heard are: we are too argumentative, too proud, too picky, we don't know how to let men be men, we are non accepting and (my favorite) we are so unattractive that even our own Black men do not want us.

To all of the above excuses I say: are you f*cking kidding me?? Really? Here are my answers to the above. Argumentative, proud and picky: damn right I am! Absolutely. Let me say this- I did not put myself through college so I could put up w dating a man (of any color) who does not meet my standards. I am smart; my mate will be also. He will have a real job... He will (probably) be educated and we will have things in common. So? That is not a bad list. That list does not make me a bitch- that is me requesting a mirror image of myself. And guess what? I deserve that. I didn't work hard so that I can get married and lose half my shit to a deadbeat- no matter who it is. And don't worry yourself- I am an elitist with everyone- across the board- if you don't have what I want, I will not be interested long. Side note: if we've dated and it was less than a year- you did not posses what I wanted. Sad, but true!

Not letting men be men... As far as I can see, more men need lessons on being men, not just big boys. I have no problem being led- IF I have a good leader. I have no issue relinquishing control, if the person with the reins knows what he is doing. I just cannot find a man who knows what he is doing. Being a man does not mean you are able to produce children; it means that you are able to support them. Being a man does not mean that you are able to make money illegally; it means that you are able to make a legal living and use it to live within your means and take care of your family. Being a man does not mean that you 'bed' every woman who looks good to you or looks at you or feigns interest in you, it means that you actively look for A (as in one) woman that you could actually have something with and sleep with her (and only her). Lastly, being a man does not mean that you take all that unhappy baggage from your LAST relationship into your NEW relationship; it means that you learn from past mistakes and grow from them. There are many reasons why the men that I have dated are not exactly marriage material- and it isn't because I spend my time emasculating them. Maybe they had lacking examples of what a man should be and are therefore struggling with how to be a good man themselves.

Am I demanding? Damn right! I've earned the right to be. Does that mean that I am unbending? Absolutely not. Relationships are about give and take. I know that. I didn't make it 30-something years and not learn a few things. I love men. Manly men. Someone who completes the person I am- as corny as that sounds! Great personality and a good heart is what I am looking for. That and a great education... Like myself. I don't apologize for that, even if it means that I remain unmarried. I WILL NOT settle so that I can be married. Do I want to be married- absolutely. Am I willing to change what I am looking for? Nope. I can tweek my list but I ain't throwing it out the window completely!!

As far as the unattractive thing... Please, I'm HOT, so we all know that point is moot! ;)

What do you see as the outstanding reason why so many Black women are unmarried? Do you care? Comment or email- let me know! :)


Stephanie Morris-Graves said...

...good points! Can I re-post to my FB?? Only w/your permission, of course....

Miss Mox said...

Absolutely. :)

Unknown said...

Yes, you can be successful and married. It's all about what you are willing to put up with.

As women, we don't have to settle. It is time to be more realistic? Maybe. Would you rather have a man making six figures or five figures with ambition? Is it more important to a man with good core values or who is good in bed?

Unfortunately, men don't always come in pretty packages. We have the power to help shape their development. Sometimes, all a brother needs is that successful woman to give them that little push.

That's just my two cents.....

Julia said...

Well said, Jovonna. You know, I'll be turning 29 in July and I think about this question alot. Sometimes I think my location isn't optimal... Hershey, PA. Not alot of diversity, but again, my husband does not have to be black... I'm soooo past that! However, I think that location has alot to do with people's perception of me. My mind may be open, but others' may not be.

I had a conversation with some of my male co-workers and I realized they had a certain fear of me. I'm not guessing this... they told me. It promted me to think about the reason for this fear. Is it because I'm assertive? Is it because I don't back down? I'm a surgeon, damn it! What do you want me to do? I'm always open to discuss why this fear exists, but I'll be honest... if a man isn't confident enough to go toe to toe with me, I don't want him as a spouse. I don't feel it is fair to either person for one to tip toe around the other for the sake of their confidence (or lack thereof) or comfort. Each person has to be comfortable with the others' strengths and weaknesses. I'm not a bully... anyone who knows me knows that I'm not. I may get loud, but I'm probably just telling an over-the-top story.

To me, a person that is meant to be your mate would understand those idiosyncracies, adore and cherish them, because that's what makes you... you!

Jon Daniels said...

On a personal level (since I know you), I'm 100% with you. And, for the most part, in general, I agree. But, I've noticed, in my own personal relationship experiences with black women, that some are argumentative for no reason, some tend to bring emotional baggage into relationships (from the manchild that did them wrong), and some hold men to standards that they don't uphold to; for example, I remember dating a woman who wouldn't date a man with children, but she had a son! Wow! I'm not necessary ignoring issues that men (particularly black men) have, but there's issues on both sides.
Overall though, I feel that black women generally get a bad rap and are often misunderstood (I mostly blame TV and hip-hop, personally). Also from my personal experiences, I've found black women to be incredibly loyal, diligent, durable, and willing/able to endure through hardship. But, these are my quick thoughts on your blog.

Miss Mox said...

Hey everyone! Thanks so much for your input. You rock!! :)

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