HBB on Relationships

So occasionally some of the lovely people that read this blog send me emails and ask me questions. I generally answer them within a post or on the Hot, Black and Bitter facebook page. Almost two weeks ago, I received an email that I HAVE to turn into a post. I wrote this response almost immediately, but I rewrote it a couple of times and deleted a few sentences, because I was trying to be as nice as possible. I didn't want to offend the reader who sent in the scenario (and I actually personally know her) so I was trying to be as level headed as possible... however, she would not have written to ME if she wanted nice, right?! Right, so here is a (slightly) edited version of my first answer.

Dear Waiting:
I read your email and I am not going to name you in the blog, but I have to answer you. I'll use some portion of your email, but nothing that can identify you. Here is my recap of your "situation"... You said that you have a "boyfriend" that is around when he wants to be. When you are together, everything seems nice, but every once in a while he loses his fucking mind and starts fights with you for no reason. He always blames these altercations on you and then you guys don't talk for weeks at a time. When he heard that you were seeing someone else during this downtime, he lost his mind again and said that he was your man and you were cheating. Press repeat on this situation because it has happened a lot. Also, when you are alone he says sweet things, sends you sweet texts but doesn't want to meet any of your friends or be considered your 'man' unless it benefits him. Girl, you got a LOT going on.

First let me say-- there is NO way that I will ever have a man that will yell at me for ANYTHING. Unless I do something life threatening or extremely detrimental there will be no raising of any voices EVER. Yelling stopped when I left my parents house and that shit is never happening again. Once that rule is broken, he won't have to worry about what I'm doing because I won't be doing anything with him. How old is he, 13?! Sounds like he is going through puberty. Grown up relationships do not involve hiding your significant other from others. If that happens then you are not in a relationship. You should be able to go out and not have women looking at you two like you are doing something wrong. If you cannot go out on a date without people staring because last week he was at the same place with someone else... um, that is NOT your man. He is a slut with a very limited number of 'date' venues or no imagination. Or, worse yet, maybe he just knows that he will get away with it because you seem to put up with a ton of shit from this dude.

He doesn't want to meet your friends; he doesn't want you meeting his friends; he starts arguments with you and doesn't want you to date anyone else. He sounds like a dick-- why exactly do you like him? Let me tell you this, lovely, there is no sex that is good enough to put up with this crazy shit. He sounds bat shit crazy and the fact that you are putting up it leaves me with a couple of things that you and I HAVE to talk about. You either 1. have low self esteem, which somehow makes you think that this behavior is acceptable or 2. you thrive on the drama that this "man" brings to you. Just like it is unacceptable to put up with men acting like prepubescent, territorial jackasses, it is absolutely unacceptable to thrive off of drama. Drama does NOT mean that he loves you. Extreme jealousy is not a sign of affection. The above stated behavior is NOT healthy.

Listen, we have all been in relationships that were walking disasters. Let me be the first to tell you- that is exactly what this situation sounds like. A man that only loves you in the dark (and is allowed to do so) is not looking to change that situation. He might sweet talk you to get what he wants, but for the last two years he has shown you exactly what he is willing to give you. And you have been taking it, so why would he change now? In two years you have never met his friends. What the fuck is that?! In two years you guys have never spent a holiday or your birthday together. No, sweetie, just... no. You have GOT to draw some boundaries. Better yet, throw his bony ass to the curb and find a guy that appreciates you and is not ashamed to introduce to the important people in his life. Any boyfriend should relish in the opportunity to see what/where/who is important to you and should do the same for you. This douchebag you've been sleeping with needs to go. Two years or not, he is not good enough. If you don't know for yourself that you can do better, let me tell you-- you can do better. Find someone who respects you and your feelings and who isn't such a fucking spaz. Leave all the naysayers in your dust, including this bum.