Dear lady breathing super hard next to me on the el: First, seriously, there are literally hundreds of other places you could have sat on this train. This train is not crowded. Why are you sitting RIGHT next to me? Is it for body warmth? If so, we probably should have agreed that you would wash your body BEFORE you plopped down next to me, invading my space. I don't care WHY you are breathing hard, just know that you are disrupting my silent reading time, while depositing cooties on my person. If I wake up, and heavy breathe just one time tomorrow, I will wish some other plague on you... like seriously maybe a shower, or some breath mints. I hate riding the train with weirdos.
Dear dude asking for money on the corner: 1- I saw you with a cup overflowing with cash about 2 hours ago, now you have two cups- one with steaming hot Starbucks coffee in it and one for the change that you want from me. 2- something is wrong with this picture because one of my new years resolutions is to make more coffee and spend less money at expensive ass Starbucks, but now a man asking me for money is taunting me with the most expensive coffee on the planet? I just can't. I would have totally given you the 63 cents in my pocket if that were a McDonald's coffee cup. I mean, $1 for any size coffee shows that you are economical. $4+ for a fru fru drink from Starbucks? Not so much.
Dear old guy asking me for my number at the train station: Yo, here is the deal: I expect it from you now. I get off at two train stations in my neighborhood, have seen you a LOT, so I am well versed what I am going to get when I encounter you. You are messing up your moment. Do NOT say "hey darling, you are looking so fine today" when I am wearing yoga pants, salty winter boots and the pom poms that dangle off my super thick socks are now dangling from my boots. Not when I am having a natural hair disaster and am comatose from sitting next to smelly Sally on the train. You take away the special. I know I don't look fine today. Save it. Save it for a day when I am looking so fabulous that everyone HAS to comment. Or at least save it for a day when I don't want to punch everyone in the face? Yes. Safety first!
Dear Redbox: Sigh- Oh you have been a gift and a curse. I appreciate the ease of renting, and mostly everything touchscreen, however there HAS to be a way that we can make these touchscreens work while I still have on my gloves. And not those fancy, schmancy $30 gloves either. I'm talking gloves that keep my hands super warm that I ultimately have to take off to work the RedBox. This is Chicago, dammit!! It is winter. My movie watching decision should not rest solely on whatever I can choose on the first page of options so that I can get my fingers back in my gloves as fast as possible. It makes for a MoneyBall watching evening... and I haven't liked Brad Pitt since he took up with that super skinny bitch with the big lips- I'm not even typing out that hoochie's name. Needless to say, I narrowly kept my fingers attached to my hand (frostbite is real!) and now I am stuck with some shitty movie that better be good or my animosity towards to once lovely Brad Pitt (think nakedness on Troy) will grow exponentially.
Dear people taking up the WHOLE sidewalk: Get out of the way, fuckers. I can see you, so I KNOW you can see me. Your conversation about whether or not Khloe is, in fact, actually is a Kardashian is not world altering so move your punk asses over! I wouldn't give you a pass if you were talking about nuclear physics, do that shit in a single file line when you see someone coming from the opposite direction, you rude assholes. You have to take up the WHOLE sidewalk? You bitches HAVE to carry those large ass bags? I seriously want to push you into oncoming traffic.
And that was Saturday night.
I might need to give anger management a whirl in 2012. Nah, it couldn't possibly be me, right?! Nah! :)
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