Father's Day 2016

Late night contemplations. It is 4:14 am. As I lie in bed with my daughter, listening to her deep, sleepy breaths while running my fingers through her curly hair, I wonder... what makes a dad? I mean, I know what makes a woman a "mother" - carrying a baby to term and delivering said baby. But does that make her a mom? Does that make her do the job of raising a child? Does it make her do that job well? I had a child, so I am mother, but do I embody the idea of being an active, fully participating/functioning mom? Likewise, what makes a dad? Some people in my family have a saying... anyone can be a father, but not everyone can be a daddy. Being a father seems to be merely biological, while being a daddy-- that is where the work is.

A daddy takes care of his family; wakes up in the middle of the night to tend to a sick kid; breaks his back to make sure his family doesn't go without. A daddy works multiple jobs (if necessary), is a cheerleader in all aspects of life-- on the field and in the classroom. A daddy always wants to see his children have better than he did. Selfless. Hard working. Sensitive (even if it is secretly). A daddy is not faultless. He battles with his demons daily so they don't interfere with his ability to care for his family. He swallows his pride almost daily. And that is not an easy pill to swallow. It is like eating two thick ass peanut butter sandwiches on whole grain bread and then realizing that you don't have anything to drink. But he does it.

A daddy cries when his kids are hurt-- hurt by a bully, a love or by a fall. His heart breaks when his child can't be understood. He would take the pain for his kid, if he could. He teaches lessons that he had to learn the hard way. He takes the memories of all the times he felt lonely or unloved, and tries to make sure that his child never feels that pain. He is there to softly soothe the heartbroken, comfort the crying, discipline the naughty. He is everywhere without being (terribly) overbearing. He gives his all. He gives his all-- over and over and over again. His sons use him as a measuring stick to determine how to be men. His daughters use him as a gauge to determine what kind of treatment they should be looking for. He demands respect... and he has more than earned it.

I know the qualifications... because I have seen them met first hand. There have been times- many times- when I wished I had a dad that would lay off, not be so demanding or at least not demand my best, 100 per cent of the time. But where would I be if he was lax about his expectations? Truly, I would not be the person that I am today without my dad. I may be a heathen, y'all, but I thank God EVERY day for my parents. I thank God that he gave me a dad that showed me that I never had to settle to be in a relationship; that I am in charge of my own life. I am thankful that I have a dad who respects my mom. A dad who taught me that loyalty to family is the most important thing someone could possess, a dad that brags about me when I am not around... but never lets my head get too big. I'd be lost without him. He is an answer to all prayers for a caring dad. I am glad that my daughter has hubs and Pops to look to for an example of good men. I am glad that my siblings know that when everyone else is against them, mom and dad will always be there. Thanks for everything you do, Poppa Hot, Black and Bitter. We all appreciate you more than you will ever know. Love and hugs!!

A Different Kind of Father's Day Post

Yesterday I spent some time with Poppa Hot, Black and Bitter. Lefty and I brought over some dinner (that we did not cook, but stood in a very long line- in the rain- for), we visited. We laughed; we watched some tv; we hung out.

While I was over at the Parentals house (using their lovely wifi) I surfed Facebook a little. On Father's Day. Big Mistake. Some of y'all... I need you to get it together. I saw the same old shit, people complaining about their "baby daddies" who ain't shit, people who are complaining about single mothers getting praise on Father's Day, people complaining about the relationship that their children have with their fathers... and so on. Ok. I have already written about who deserves to get a Happy Father's Day from me. And after yesterday- I can tell you that this post is going to be very different than other Father's Day posts you have seen. Really, I should have titled it "This shit is YOUR fault."

I tire very quickly of adults acting like children. So, needless to say, I absolutely do not condone supposed grown ass men flaking on the responsibilities with their children. I think it is about the worst thing that you could do- the hurt feelings are passed along through generations of that child's children, so the selfish behavior of one person has the potential to hurt more than a handful of people. Multiply that by the number of bastards running around acting like they don't have kids and you see how great this problem can be. There is a special place in hell for those people. That being said- I blame some of these mothers.

Let me say this: some of y'all go into a situation with eyes wide open. You see these "men" and how they interact with children that they have had with other women. Trust me, not EVERY woman they have bedded are crazy... and if they are all, in fact, crazy, then so is that "man." If he is not participating with his children his had prior to meeting you, what makes you think he is going to participate with yours? You see these "men" and how they treat big responsibilities. If they don't have the same type of urgency that you do about staying out of debt, or taking care of the bills, etc.... how do you think he will handle the BIGGEST responsibility of having a child? And the worst: some of you have SEVERAL children with the very same low life that has been stiffing you on child support. Wait- I lied, that is NOT the worst: this is-- some of you refuse to take your sperm donors to court for child support. WTF??

Then you want to take to facebook and other social media outlets to tell everyone what he is and is not; how he does not provide and how he is a bastard for ignoring your kids. Um... couldn't you find that out after baby #1?? Couldn't YOU have seen the patterns before getting impregnated? Couldn't YOU have stopped YOUR own desires for a moment and taken precautions before sex in order to make sure that you would not become pregnant? There is plenty of blame to go around, if you ask me. Just like that asshole is not being responsible once a pregnancy occurs; by all accounts, some of these mothers are not being responsible before the pregnancy occurs. Then, on Father's Day, she complains about his shortcomings. Guess what? He deserves that blame. And so does she.

Open your eyes, people. These kids are out here with NO parents. Dads are too busy running away and some of y'all moms are to busy running after the dads- for selfish reasons. Stop.It.

How Many Really Know What Love Is?

October is a busy month for the Hot, Black and Bitter family. All three of the dogs have birthdays (and yes, they get a party-- with cake), my birthday is at the end of month (and y'all BETTER have a celebration for me) and then there is today... Today is Poppa Hot, Black and Bitter's birthday AND it is also my parent's wedding anniversary. Momma Hot, Black and Bitter made sure that my dad was NEVER going to forget the day they took the plunge, huh? :) Good for her... good for him, one less thing that he will be in the doghouse for :)

SO, if you are loyal readers of the blog, you know that we are a close group of lovingly dysfunctional people! Really. We do love each other-- sometimes mom has to remind us! We are all knuckleheads-- which dad always reminds us of. We fight. We cry. We hug it out. And if things are REALLY bad, mom will put the offenders on the couch and make us hold hands. Yeah- like we are still little kids. And we better do it, because that lady is not meant to be messed with!! Bottom line: we're all nuts. But, we have all grown together to make up this crazy, ridiculous, family gang. The ringleader (dad) is who I blame for my attitude; the church lady (mom) is who everyone should thank for those few moments of niceness I occasionally have. People often say that my sister and I are total opposites-- because we are, but we came by that honestly-- our parents are TOTAL opposites. But, there is a way to be total opposites and make it work and they do that. Every year, I watch friends (and their parents) go through divorce. People that were "destined" by the peanut gallery to make it through thick and thin. Kinda crazy. I never look to those people because I have the example of how marriage is supposed to work at my parents house. I look at my parents and wonder how they have spent the last three decades together, without killing each other, or an offspring (or two). It is really dynamic though to see how they work together. Mom is really laid back most of the time-- but she is gonna tell you when you are wrong (it will be nice); dad will tell you too (it will be markedly less nice). If you want the answer-- lacking sugar coating-- dad is the one to ask; if you want some hugs and kisses because you have just had a bad day-- mom always has arms open for you at the kitchen door. Just the right balance of pick your ass up and finish & everything will be alright. My parents won't let their partner bullshit them-- no one is getting away with that. But, I guess that is just it. They are partners-- in everything: business, family, love. The not-so-perfect (because no one is) combination of how to make a marriage work. They have set the bar high.

So one this day I want to say: thanks. Thanks to dad for always being there to kick my ass into gear and tell me that everything is going to be ok, but you don't want to hear any snotting and crying over the phone! Happy birthday!!

Thanks to my parents for being a great example and showing me that being completely alike is not necessary for a marriage to work. For showing me that marriage is not always peaches and cream-- sometimes your partner is going to piss you off, or get sick, or lose your favorite socks, or be insensitive, or be too sensitive... but that the ultimate goal is to work together for a common goal-- building a life together. A life with two CRAZY older daughters that will -probably- always be on your dime because they aren't getting married anytime soon; 7 little kiddos who will drive you up the wall every day and melt your heart when they want to hang out with only you while they watch cartoons; a grandson (the human one) who will grow up and be great-- because of you and the 3 grandkids (the furry ones) who send you cards every Christmas and brighten your day with their cute furry faces. That's a wonderful life! Thanks for having that 1 Corinthians 13:4-13 kind of love (oh yes, the heathen still remembers Bible verses, y'all!!) Thank you so much for showing all of us what LOVE is supposed to look like. Here's is to many more years of Hot, Black and Bitter craziness!! ;) Love you!!

A Father's Day Plea

Happy Father's Day!! Previously, on Father's Day, I have posted my ode to dad, happy posts... this is not one of them. Well, not entirely. This morning, I involved myself in a controversial facebook conversation. Not controversial to me, per se, but clearly for the guys involved, the following is a touchy subject.Who knew that Father's Day was a touchy subject? Not me, because I have a great dad and I tell him so all the time.

Ok- so my friend posted a status calling out a couple of her friends that are upset (to say the least) because single mothers- and others- are getting accolades on Father's Day. Their contention? It is Father's Day and therefore all accolades should be to fathers and fathers only. Hmmm- I disagree and I said as much (shocker). There were several jabs taken, race was brought into the conversation (not be me) and an air of defensiveness sprang into being. So let me put my opinions in writing, so that there is no question as to what I feel on the subject.

The first thing: no one is going to tell me shit. If I want to tell my sister, who is a single mother, happy Father's Day... because she (with the help of my parents) do the job of two parents because her child's father is a low life, I'll do that and you'll like it. I'm not asking for permission to say what I want, and if you don't like it then that is too damn bad. Secondly: would it be nice if every person that became a parent treated it as a privilege denied to many and a job of the utmost importance? Yes. Does that happen all the time? Hell no. So let's lay out some facts, they help people take off the blinders sometimes. 1- in generations past there used to a stigma of shame for BOTH parties involved when there was a child born out of wedlock. Women used to be sent away to have the baby and men used to be forced into marriage. 2- people were a little more chaste in the past, or at least a lot less vocal of their conquests. In a time where lives are made and broken on social networking sites, your secrets are soon revealed to everyone you know. 3- as much as some people would like to argue, the fact remains that there are thousands upon thousands of children growing up without knowledge of one of their parents (possible both parents). Grandparents, aunts, uncles and non family members are raising a new generation of children and for those heroics, they deserve whatever I can give them- father's day or not.

I am not saying that there should be a feeling of shame if an unplanned pregnancy pops up. I mean, when these practices of forcing families to be together and sending off unwed mothers to bare children in foreign lands was taking place society had more than a few ridiculous customs that were also in practice (um, slavery, women not working outside of the home, women only being able to be teachers- if they were granted an education at all, not recognizing domestic partnerships, etc). What I am saying is this: if the dynamic has changed and you will skip from bed to bed, or leave a woman unmarried and in a financially precarious position as she is taking care of YOUR child, then you don't deserve for anyone to greet you with cheers and happiness on Father's Day, least of all ME. I'm not saying die a virgin if you have never been married, but the trend of having several women serve as mothers to your offspring - and not giving the mothers or the children any love, help, time - has GOT to stop. If you do have several "baby mamas" (hate that term), then maybe you should learn how to use protection or better yet, spend some time getting yourself under control. Either way, guess who won't be getting a Happy Father's Day from me? I don't care if you "smashed" this weekend... even if your facebook status screams it. But, if in 9 months you have a baby because of that activity, shouldn't you be the first in line to be responsible? You were the first to let us all know you got laid-- now be the example of what a man should do to that child you created. AND IF YOU REFUSE OR CANNOT BE A FATHER AND SOMEONE ELSE DOES YOUR JOB, then fuck you- I'm telling them Happy Father's Day. Fuck your little itty bitty feelings. Where are you the rest of the year? Guess what? That child needs to eat every day, not just when you can send some extra money. They grow fast & need new clothes, not just when you can get it together long enough to send something. The mother of your children wasn't a whore when you were clamoring about getting in her pants, and even if she was... guess what? She is NOW the mother of your child and should be treated better than a prostitute. How about this: NO court should have to MAKE you take care of your children. WTF. You want to be mad because I tell someone of the opposite gender Happy Father's Day? Um, seems to me that there are bigger problems to be discussed.

Some chick told me that I should not attack men who aren't "the fathers that they hope to be for a number of reasons." What in the hell are you talking about? Being the father that they hope to be? They should have thought about that before they started having children. Once the baby is here, you cease having time to think about, or make up excuses as to why you aren't the father that you hope to be. BECOME HIM. And we, as women, need to STOP giving excuses as to why fathers are not doing what they need to do. Screw that. That is your kid you are flaking out on. That child is half you-- you should NOT feel comfortable walking away from him/her. You SHOULD feel bad if you are not giving your baby 100%. All day and every day I will correct ANYONE that is not doing right by a child. Know why? Because kids can NOT do for themselves. They didn't ask to be born and parents are responsible for getting them to where they need to be. Being the parent you hope to be? That shit is laughable and you should be ashamed of yourself that you even said that in a public forum. If you give people excuses, they will run with them... and not being active in a child's life is NOT something that there is an excuse for- EVER.

Make no mistake- this post is directed at both sexes. Some mothers fall into the category of being no good and thinking only of themselves, just like some fathers do. Here is my point from all my angry rants- here and on facebook: parents take several different shapes. They can be moms and dads, just moms, just dad, cousins, uncles, aunties, grandmas, granddads, foster parents, adoptive parents, birth parents, friends, mentors, ANYTHING. You know what makes a parent? Caring for and guiding a child into maturity; molding them into being a great, productive human being. There is NO gender to that. There is no one person that HAS to do that. There is no right family makeup. There isn't. What we need to be worried about is that there are children out here that have NO ONE to show them the right way... we should not be concerned that there are people working hard for children and getting verbal high fives on father's day, mother's day, flag day, memorial day or any other day. Get over yourself, if you spent half as much time actually doing something with your kids as you did trying to tell me that single mother's shouldn't get a shout out on Father's Day, we would all be in a better position. Punk.

So on this day, I am once again praising my dad. Even though we have not always agreed & had our moments of bitterness... he has always given me and my siblings 100% of what he had. He was there at track meets, plays, graduations. He helped with homework and checked in with teachers and YES, he was available for lectures that you didn't want to hear, and whoopings that we absolutely deserved. He didn't just say "hey kids, I love you." He showed us every day by being an example, going to work and taking care of our family... and trust me when I tell you, some of y'all need to get like him.